Salman paints, Saif rocks, and Lil C plays Goti Goti.

It was past mid night at the bidi smoke filled Doodhwallah Central in Allahabad (India). The atmosphere was very tense. The survival of the first family of the Doodhwallahs was being discussed. After years and decades of flops, The Bachchalans had become irrelevant. The once law abiding Vijay of Zanzeer had now become a child molester Vijay of Nisabdh. People all over the country were now looking at Big B as a lame horse struggling to cross over the finish line. The less said about his incompetent son, Lil C, the better. Even the very seasoned Charlie Rose in his recent interview with Big B was finding it difficult to keep a straight face.

On the other hand, blessed with cute dimples and infinite talent, SRK was a natural star actor, a perfect husband, a perfect father, a perfect friend, the very personification of a winner. Whatever oxygen that was left over by SRK, was being inhaled by Amir Khan. With a series of strategically brilliant moves, Amir Khan has become the non-SRK. Together SRK & Amir define inspiration to all actors and wannabe stars in Bollywood.

HR, although a little wooden, with his good looks and decent acting ability was pacing the Khans.

Salman Khan paints, and Nawab Saif Ali Khan Pataudi rocks, and with these extracurricular activities they have catapulted themselves over the riff raff. Even Akshay Kumar with his mindless comedies has turned himself into a contender.

Unfortunately, nothing to write home about was occurring at Jalsa. Hence the bidi smoke filled, tense atmosphere at Doodhwallah Central in Allahabad. A consensus was emerging for the need to erase the disastrous set back mercilessly inflicted by RGV’s Hemorrhoids. People agreed that RGV’ Hemorrhoids was a catastrophe because it strayed very far from the essence of Sholay, which in turn was more or less a page borrowed from Akira Kurosawa’s The Seven Samurai. Hence, there was a ground swell to remake a more faithful version of the The Seven Samurai. Nonetheless, since the structure of society in India is very different than the structure of the society in Japan, it was agreed that it would be better to keep the remake faithful to Raj Khosla’s Mera Gao Mera Desh instead. Even a title was decided and voted on. Therefore Ladies & Gentlemen, my faithful friends, it gives me unique pleasure to break this news to you that soon Big B will be staring in a yet another comeback effort (financed by the All India Doodhwallah Association), Meri Bhais Mera Doodh. We wish Big B all the best, and we hope that he finally makes the comeback that he has been attempting since 1977.

I wish you could feel how gung ho everyone at Doodhwallah Central Allahabad is about Meri Bhais Mera Doodh but that still does not address the resuscitation of Lil C. One wise Bhaiya remarked that Salman’s paintings are fetching more money than Big B’s movies; and Nawab Saif Ali Khan Pataudi’s impromptu rock concert has bigger crowds than the opening show of Lil C’s movies, hence it is imperative that some extracurricular activity be assigned to Lil C, which hopefully might catapult him also into the top echelon of Bollywood. Initially Chappa Diya (i.e. Hopscoth) was considered, but then someone pointed out that Lil C is a clumsy dumbass and will most definitely fall flat on his face. Chappa Diya, it was quickly agreed, will be counterproductive to the need of the hour. Finally, after much deliberation, it was decided that that Lil C should play Goti Goti (marbles). Well, not exactly play Goti Goti, because that too requires some skills, but atleast Lil C should go around the country and display his Gotis, while the well placed paid media consultants and the irrelevant S.S. Sunderums and the Akshay Shaggos on the internet will talk about how fantastic a Goti player Lil C is. Hence while Salman paints, Saif rocks, Lil C will play Goti Goti.

Now my friends you will ask, what about Ashwariya ? What plans were agreed upon at Doodhwallah Central to resuscitate her ? Sadly, all at DC Allahabad agreed that it was best to forget about Ashwariya, in a uniform voice it was said, “Salman Hai Na”.