It was late Dec 2007, a cold night in London, Lil C dug deep into his pocket and found it empty. Yes, things were that bad. After Umrao Jaan, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom and Laaga Chunari Mein Daag, people in Bollywood were shunning him. His super hero flick, Daaraona was going nowhere, and Dilli 6 appeared jinxed from the get go. Even his wife, Ash was keeping a safe distance, always on some far-flung location on a shoot. It was not as if he could run to his father, because his father too was having major financial problems after Chaddi Kum Banyan Zyada and RGV’s Hemmorrhoids.
Suddenly, Lil C remembered that they needed night guards at Madam Tussauds . He quickly paced to Marylebone Road (Westminster), atleast he figured that he would be warm indoors, and who knows there might be some leftover food in the staff kitchen.
It was difficult passing the “on the spot” exam for the night guard position, Lil C, shall we say, is not that bright (you know, …dumb), but it was the holiday season and given the shortage of help, for Madam Tussauds London, a warm body was good enough. Lil C quickly changed into the night guard’s uniform and raided the staff kitchen right away. By the time he finished the last leftover crumb of the stale doughnut, it was midnight. The clock struck loudly, twelve times. An eerie silence followed. The night guard stint did not seem like a good idea to Lil C anymore, he felt warm moisture engulfing his pants and smell of bad cheese drift gingerly into his nostrils. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, he started hearing sounds of celebration, no it was the sound of the hit song Dewaangi Dewaangi from Om Shanti Om, coming from the Main Hall.
Lil C took one-step out of the staff kitchen, to investigate the sounds from the Main Hall, and immediately froze. All the wax sculptures had miraculously come to life. They were walking around as if they were real people. The moisture in Lil C pants became more pronounced. The stench in his nose which till then was going through an ebb and flow pattern became permanent and strong. This night guard stint at Madam Tussauds London was definitely not a good idea. Lil C made a dash for the exit, but he was so frightened, that he got lost. In his panic, compounded by confusion, he stumbled and fell down. Flat on the floor, down on his luck, what do you think he saw ? He saw a piece of Ash’s clothing. Well, my good friends, ladies and gentlemen, there is no easy way to say what he saw. What Lil C saw was Ash’s inner garment (you know what I mean). He saw a non-sharable inner garment, a very personal inner garment. Two steps later, he saw the remains of a condom wrapping. Then a few steps later, ……… Sallu Bhai’s T shirt. “No” cried out Lil C like a little girl, “Even Hritikh’s T Shirt would have been acceptable” he said. He knew, he just knew, she was getting her jollies elsewhere. It was now very clear to him that Ash’s being away on some location was just a façade, but thank God for the condom. You may wonder why he was thankful that a condom was in use ? Well the answer is that Lil C, like Ramses of ancient Egypt, was shooting blanks, and he knew that the world now, as before, would not accept Moses (should there be a new one) as Ramses’ child. Hence Lil C was thankful for the condom.
Coming from somewhere in the distance were the sounds of Ash’s lustful moaning, punctuated by her quivering cry, “S..a..l..m..a..n”, “S..a..l..m..a.n”. Lil C could not take it any more, he ran away from the moan. As he entered the Main Hall, he saw a coronation in progress. All celebrities had lined up to pledge their allegiance to SRK and to kiss his pinky ring, but he could not see his father. It occurred to him that perhaps Daddy Bachchan was not invited because they had not invited SRK to the wedding. Nonetheless, the good news is that in his pursuit to find his father, he saw the sign for the exit. As he ran out, he found his father outside the entrance being beaten black & blue by journalist with lathis (staff or sticks) that they had borrowed from Bombay police officers (Havaldars).
Lil C stepped out of the Madam Tussauds completely devastated by the events. It has been a nightmarish year for Lil C (and his father).
Indeed what a year, 2007 has been. 2007 has been the year that SRK with CDI has confirmed what I have said all along, viz, that he is the best actor ever in Bollywood. Then after confirming that he is the best actor ever, SRK went on to reconfirm something that everyone (not just I, but everyone) has always said, viz, that he is the best star that Bollywood has ever seen. Yes OSO has reconfirmed SRK’s legendary star status.
Salman with Partner and Amir Khan with TZP gave SRK the benefit of their company. While Nawab Saif Ali Khan Pataudi staked his claim as the fourth Khan.
Akshay Kumar took an important step towards Hritikh Roshan and became a contender to the Khan status. The four Khans, Akshay and HR now define the top 6 in Bollywood. Govinda with Partner dealt himself back into the top 10 while Shahid Dhakkan Kapoor joined the big leagues thanks to Saif’s girl friend’s JWM. Amongst the girls, Bebo was the SRK.
All in all it seems that in 2007 the sun was shinning and everyone made hay, except ofcourse the Bachchalans.
