OSO will make between INR 360 Mil to INR 400 Mil in its first week in India

The warm Monday morning could have deceived one into believing that it was still summer. Chaos reined at the mid town direct train station in northern New Jersey. Two guys, one short guy and one a 6’2” tall 180 lbs handsome gentleman had fallen on the tracks and got crushed (completely pulverized) and killed by an oncoming train. People were confused about what really happened, especially how the tall person fell on the tracks. It seemed that the tall person also falling down was some kind of an after thought, it was not meant to happen. One drunk man told the police that for a fraction of a nano second he saw two of the same tall guys (identical twins as if they were clones) standing next to each other, after the short guy accidentally fell onto the track, one of them pushed the other onto the tracks and vanished. Regardless, it was a gruesome sight. Somewhere on that station, the rushing crowd trying to escape the pandemonium shoved Cibelle O’Connors to the side, banging her forehead hard against the wall. She was about to fall when mysteriously I, Shaan Khan appeared (as if on cue) and held her gently in my arms.

 

I walked Cibelle out of the station, sat her down, brought some water & napkins, and tenderly nursed her forehead. Cibelle looked at me and said, “I have never seen this side of you”. I just blushed in embarrassment.

 

Capitalizing on the spur of the moment, Cibelle asked, “Why would you not return my calls? Did I do something?”

 

Feeling a little trapped, I said, “Well I am busy most of the time, I hardly have time for myself”

 

“I know you like things neat and clean, Maria, your cleaning lady, cleans my house too. I am very aware of your likes and dislikes. That day when I parked my car next to you at the station, it was filthy and disorganized and since then you have been avoiding me. You must have seen inside my car through the window?” Cibelle was in no mood to be ignored today, she wanted answers.

 

I wish I could tell her that this was a Déjà vu, but I did not want to upset the Devine Design more than what I had already done. Instead, I said, “I am a little overwhelmed by the events at the station, but in a day, or two I will give you a call and we can have dinner”

 

Cibelle instantly put on a happy face, “I will cook, come over to the house. BTW my father had built a TIME MACHINE. It is in the basement, I think it still works, If you come for dinner tonight, I will let you play with it”

 

I knew all about that TIME MACHINE. “I will call you, I promise ” I said.

 

Some months prior to the above incident, I woke up around 7:00 PM. There had been an accident at the Train Station that morning, hence I had worked from home. I must have dosed off around 5:00 PM. There was a message waiting on the voice mail, by habit, I hit play as I got up. It was Cibelle, she wanted to know if I was coming over for dinner as we had discussed that morning. It was summer, too hot to go for a long walk, I thought it was best to stay indoors. I called her back and said I was coming over.

 

Cibelle lived just two houses away on my street. The house belonged to her father, a world renowned scientist. Her father had retired from active work and now lived in Florida Keys. Hence, Cibelle inherited that house. I looked forward to seeing her that night. She was after all very pretty.

 

That evening I had the time of my life. It seems that Maria, my maid, had learned all about me from Rahim Chacha my butler/chef/driver and passed on these secrets to Cibelle. The dinner was superb. Cibelle’s house was immaculate. Her manners were very charming and pleasing. Perhaps she was over compensating for the grilling that she gave me that morning. We chatted brilliantly on a whole range of issues. Like me, Cibelle too was well versed at the art of conversation. I could see myself falling for Cibelle. But it was getting late, it was time to make a “move”.

 

“So where is this TIME MACHINE you told me about”, I asked.

 

Without a fuss, she took me to the basement, showed me the TIME MACHINE and gave me the manual for it. I was amazed by how idiot proof that machine was. It seemed very user friendly. There was a glitch though, one could only return to the time one started from.

 

I gave Cibelle a nice hug and a kiss and stepped into the TIME MACHINE. She hesitated for a moment, rested her eyes on mine, looking for signs that would assure her that there existed a future (for her) in me. Little did she realize how comforting her presence was to me. “Call me when you get back”, She said. I promised I would. I told her that I had a very nice time and that she was someone I would definitely want to hang out with more often.

 

I set the time such that I could go and come back within a week. I could not miss work for more than that. I hit enter and off I went. With me I had brought along DVDs of CDI, Don, KANK, Swades, Devdas, & DDLJ. These movies define Bollywood. They are undoubtedly the best that Bollywood has made. I ended up seeing these movies a few times before I landed in the future, not way in the distant future (because it would have taken too much time to get there and then get back) but beyond just a couple of years from now.

 

When I landed, SRK was not just the Don Jungli Billa Khan of Bollywood but his Red Chillies now owned Sony worldwide. Starting with some minor sub contracts for Visual Special Effect for Hollywood, SRK now was the Azim Premji of that business. Between him, Adi and K Jo they ruled Hollywood. The song from CDI had become the anthem for all Desi gathering (private, corporate as well as public). DON 3 had just been released and was a mega blockbuster. OSO (the biggest hit of the 2000s) was still playing in matinée shows at Cinemax in Andheri, Bombay . People in Allahabad, UP at Gyms did cardio to the beats of Dard-E-Disco. On the day I landed, I saw an interview of Farah Khan’s pre teen son who was the writer/director of DON 3. He was being hailed as a child prodigy. He was asked what he would want to do when to grew up and he replied, “For sure I want to marry Uncle K. Jo’s daughter, Charlize ”.

 

Sadly, everything was not that rosy. It was also an era in which Big B’s Bhojpuri movies, like his Hindi movie post 1985, were flopping with alarming regularity. Big B was thinking of switching to Haryanvi movies. Sarkar Raj had killed his Hindi career, no one in Bollywood wanted the Doodhwalah Bhayia anymore. S.S. Sunderum of www.NaachoGaaoAurJhootBolo.com was posting on blogs how Haryanvi was one of the lost languages of the Gods of The Indus Valley Civilization, and that we should all feel indebted to Big B for reviving that language. Ofcourse Sambaba & Sheety (also at NGAJB) argued that Big B was a Persona Non Grata and could not even revive his own career leave alone a whole language. Needless to say, in this pursuit, Asha Shaggo (formerly Akshay Shaggo), i.e. S.S. Suderum’s better half, helped S.S. Sunderum day and night. I am sure some of you are now wondering how our very own Akshay Shaggo became Asha Shaggo ? Well the answer is simple, I was told that years of acquiescence had cast a Akshay spell on S.S. Sunderum. Then, one day he wrote his usual fifty thousand word essay (you know how it goes) declaring his love for Akshay Shaggo. They discretely met in the Angry Young Man’s basement. That night they made love like it was 1999 (remember that song from Prince). The very next morning there was a fund raising drive at NGAJB to raise money for S.S.Sunderum’s Asha, yes Akshay was his desire. Soon thereafter, they flew to South America and with the sound of few “snip”, “snip”, Akshay traded in his bat and balls for some utensils so that he could bake Nazi Swastika shaped buns for S.S. Sunderum. That is how my friends Akshay became Asha. In time to come you will see. Oh yes Asha Shaggo also posts under the name Nisha too (there is no Nitesh in the future).

 

Perhaps you might want to know what happened to Lil C ? Well he put on a lot of weight, so much weight that he had to wear a 54 DD cup bra to support his chest, otherwise it was painful walking around. Lil C had given up on Bollywood and had return to his family roots. He went around Juhu-Ville Parle delivering milk on a bicycle. trASH was now married to Rajpal Yadav. Yes my friend she did a Madhuballa like number (Years ago, Madhubaala on a re-bound from Dilip Kumar married Kishore Kumar). Nonetheless she was happy. Rajpal Yadav was a small man but it is not the size of the ship but the motion in the ocean that matters. trASH was happy, the motion in the ocean was good.

 

I walked over to The O’Connors’ house. Mr. O’Connor was waiting for me. “You have to go back, right away”, he said with urgency in his voice. “When you departed, you did not allow the TIME MACHINE to warm up, hence the flux capacitor mal functioned, making the governing frequencies crash safety barriers. Cibelle as a result, being outside the TIME MACHINE got vaporized. The other bad news is that there is another Shaan Khan back there, the mal function created a clone”

 

I cried out, “Don’t say that, this whole journey I have been just thinking of going back as soon as possible and being with Cibelle. Mr. O’Connors I like your daughter. I was hoping to explore the possibility of settling down with her. If S.S. Sunderum and Asha Shaago can create racist babies can I not create some anti-dote with Cibelle ? I was so happy to find out on this trip that OSO made somewhere between INR 360 Mil to INR 400 MIL in its first week in India, but now you tell me Cibelle is no more, I am shattered”

 

Mr O’Connors put out his hand on my shoulder and said, “Don’t worry. This can be fixed. I have a fix, I already have the parts which will enable you to go back to the morning of your day of departure. You will have seventy minute head start from the accident at the train station. Now I won’t tell you what you have to do in that seventy minutes. I am sure you have seen CDI and know what need to be done in that seventy minutes”

 

“I think you mean, The Prestige with Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman” I corrected.

 

“Yes you are right, do The Prestige with the determination of CDI” He agreed. For the next fews minutes we listed to the songs of CDI to boost up my morale and then I stepped once again into the TIME MACHINE.

 

Before closing the door Mr Oconnors warned, “Remember, you have played with Devine Design. Hence even if you get Cibelle back, things will be different. She will not be the same Cibelle again”

 

“What do you mean” I asked.

 

He said, “I don’t know but you will find out. But make sure don’t go back again to the TIME MACHINE that night”

 

Well on my return I had to do the nasty thing which Hugh Jackman does in The Prestige. Yes my friends, the drunk man was right, for a fraction of a nano second there were two Shaan Khans at the station. No friends, I did not have dinner with Cibelle that night. I do not know in what ways my misadventure has changed her, but I am hopeful that one day we will pick up where we had left off.

 

Now you don’t be sad for me, cheer up OSO will make between INR 360 MIL to INR 400 MIL in its first week in India.

Amar Singh says, “Everything is Ok with Big B”

Amar Singh pulls out his hand from Big B’s behind, takes a routine sniff and then declares that everything is OK, while a grimacing Big B tries hard to feign embarrassment.