RGV Ke Chak De India

SRK has the look and the attitude of a larger than life movie star. He defines “Star Wattage”. That is why only he could have done the Don remake. Most people agree that the reason why the old Don lent itself to a remake (in the first place) is that the “Star Wattage” was missing in the old one. A Doodhwalah Bhaiya cannot be a Don (just not possible, hell has to freeze over first). In the old Don, someone with star wattage was missing and hence when that was added, a sort of average movie (i.e. the old Don) turned into a much appreciated super hit blockbuster (a fact confirmed by approx INR 500 Mil box-office in India).

One can make an argument that SRK via Don and KBC 3 in essence has made it clear that whatever Big B can do well, he can do better. These two events are a major set back for the Bachchanista who are hell bent to re-write history and make Big B look legendary or atleast relevant. For the Bachchanistas, Don and KBC 3 is a tight slap across Big B’s worn down face. Consequently Big B now wants to get even. He has teamed up with RGV and has announced a re-make of SRK’s CDI with himself as Kabir Khan. The re-make will be called RGV Ke Chak De India.

Since no RGV and Big B combo can be without weird make over, Big B in RGV Ke CDI will be dressed like a street urchin recovering from cancer (RGV’s way to double up on the sympathy factor). Not just any cancer, but bum cancer (similar to breast cancer, but mainly suffered by Bachchalan men). So imagine if you will, Big B in street urchins clothes, a bandanna saying Kabir Khan on his head, a tattered kurta, and a hole ridden lungi , with one butt cheek unusually swollen and convex and the other butt cheek eroded by cancer (and therefore concave), singing Maula Mere Lele Meri Jaan. Imagine him doing those delicate hip movements that he did in JBJ (the yeast infection dance) but this time imagine him doing that in a hole ridden lungi with one convex butt cheek and one concave butt cheek. RGV is praying that the Bachchanistas will watch with tears in their eyes, sobbing loudly and pulling their hair out every time Big B yells out Maula Mere Lele Meri Jaan.

But just like SRK brought his own personality to Don & KBC 3, Big B will also bring his own personality to RGV Ke CDI. Allow me to explain, for a moment consider that Zip Down/ Zip Up scene with Bindya Naik . SRK in CDI had the right amount of “You must be fuc..ng kidding” look on his face in that scene. With his firm expressions SRK says, “You insult me but you insult yourself more”. Now in RGV Ke CDI the expression on a distracted Big B’s face, given his background, would scream, Malaeewalah Doodh (Milk with Cream). Although some have argued that such a modification would be totally inappropriate for the scene or the character or the movie, RGV claims that by injecting a lecherous spark into Big B’s eyes, he is hoping to prove to the Bachchanistas that even at 75 years age, Big B has got it in him. In fact RGV is so sure of his vision that he has altered the lyrics to Maula Mere Lele Meri Jaan too. In RGV’Ke CDI, after the Zip Down/Zip Up scene, every time Big B and Bindya Naik are in the same frame, Big B will bite his lips, and in the background will play, Maula Mere Lele Meri Jaan Par Dede Mujhe Bindya Naik Ke Doodoo.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, be on an alert, RGV Ke CDI is coming soon to a theater near you.

Bachchanistas swallow your pride and say, “Om Shanti Om”.

Find a quiet corner in your house, switch off the lights, shut your eyes and just listen to the music of Om Shanti Om. It will take you on a pleasant journey from the disco 70s to the present time. The sweet memories of Shanker Jaikishan, Laxmikant Pyarelal, R.D. Burman will caress you on this tour de Bollywood. The lyrics of Javed Akhtar will warm your heart. It will not be long before you will be hooked, and perhaps in a state of Nirvana. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is just the beginning, a little birdy tell me that the video will be mesmerizing. You won’t be able to decipher whether the music or the visualization is better. People in the know are whispering that the final product is greater than the sum of its parts. I am told that after OSO, Farah Khan will be acknowledged amongst the best “Masalla” movie makers of Bollywood. By design and choice, she is no Satyajit Ray (and does not want to be one), but what she does well is make entertaining movies that are totally “Paisa Wasool”. When the history of Bollywood is written Farah Khan’s name will cast a shadow over the likes of Manmohan Desai.

When I first heard the music of OSO, I was immediately hooked on to Dard-E-Disco. The Middle Eastern beats of Dard-E-Disco pulsate you till you submit to it by allowing your body to gyrate to the rhythm of the song. The thing that hit my mind while listening to Dar-E-Disco is that this song by itself will be more popular than Bachchalan’s “Aag”, “Nisabdh” and “Chaddi Kum Banyan Zyada” combined. I am willing to accept bets. I bet that this song will outsell Big B’s last three movies. This song is one knock out punch.

But don’t fool yourself into believing that Dard-E-Disco is all that OSO has. As hard as it is to believe, Deewangi Deewangi even tops Dard-E-Disco. In a more progressive India (sometime in the future) Deewangi Deewangi may be the campaign song of a candidate (just like “Don’t Stop” was for Bill Clinton). I can see the candidate walking up to the podium while the loudspeakers are going, “All hot girls put your hands up and say, Om Shanti Om. All cool boys come on make some noise and say, Om Shanti Om” I doubt if there is any crowd that cannot be jump started with this song. It is a crowd pleaser and will be very successful at parties.

If Dard-E-Disco and Deewangi Deewangi is all “Dhamal” and “Masti” then Aakhon Mein Teri and Main Agar Kahoon are two simple and sweet songs. Had these two songs not been in OSO’s CD, it would be easy to fool someone and claim that these songs are from the 60s and the 70s. There is no loud instrument, just simple lyrics and melody. Both these songs are the kind that you would want playing in the back ground while you sit with a date on Elbow Beach (in Bermuda) watching the sunset.

I have not heard any recent music so diverse and rich. The four songs stated above are worth the price of ten Cds, leave alone one. Nonetheless it seems that Red Chillies (producers of OSO) were in a very generous mood. The remaining two songs are classics. Dhoom Taana is a song that represents the Laxmikant Pyarelal genre at its best. The traditional Desi big band orchestra comes alive in this song. Long after even OSO is forgotten, the “Dhols” from this song will still be playing in your mind.

Now the best for the last serving. All I can say is that put Jag Soona Soona Lage on the list of things to do before you go to bed today. There cannot be Desi film music without one song that tugs your heart. That heart tugging song in OSO is Jag Soona Soona Lage. Please do yourself a favor, go listen to it (Keep a reliable friend at hand who you can depend on to pass you the tissues).

As stated earlier, now wait for the videos and finally the movie itself. In good faith and without any malice, I want to reach out to all the Bachchanistas who I may have hurt with my writings and say, “Swallow your pride and say, OM SHANTI OM” . Say, Om Shanti Om, baby.

OSO will be totally “Paisa Wasool”

She walked down the aisle on a Jet Airways’ afternoon flight from Bombay to Delhi with eyes so large that one could swim in them for a lifetime. Every step she took towards me, my heart skipped ten beats. I tried to look away to break her spell on me, but unknown to me a war was raging inside me between my brain and my heart, surprisingly the heart won, and alas I could not look away. At that moment I became acutely aware of the possibility that time might stand still in a moment or two. The woman walking towards me might take my breath away. Just when I had given up all hope of surviving, I witness a demonstration of Newton’s Law (Action and Reaction are equal and opposite). She dropped down on the aisle seat a row ahead of me with a look that said, “I surrender Oh handsome stranger, put me under house arrest and throw away the keys ”. Destiny had made us the companion of the aisle. We were locked diagonally across from each other and as luck would have it both were wearing Marc Jacobs’ fragrance.

She turned around and started talking to an associate from her industry coincidentally sitting in the aisle seat ahead of me (luck it seems was on my side today). Her gesture touched the cockles of my heart. I took that as a clue and started talking to Neeraj my rep in India who was sitting across the aisle in a seat behind her. The small talk served as a facade to check each other out. I liked her off white dress with black embroidery/shadow work. Her trousers looked like some kind of a pajama ? Maybe that is some new fashion in India, but at this point I did not care. I was happy that I was fortunate enough to look into her eyes and see her spirit. I saw that she was a very sincere and decent person. Right away I recognized that she was a person who deserved someone better than me. She deserved someone who would give her his soul. Unfortunately I have no soul to give, my soul lays with the person that I have given it to and she like Kahlil Gibran’s Salma rests far from our maddening world. Today I can provide my company, some humor, some charm, some conversation, but don’t ask for true love, because that just happens once or so in a lifetime.

I saw the disappointment in her eyes when the glow of the mutual feelings on my face started to fade away. She wondered what went wrong. I so wish I could explain that she deserved something more. I wish I could tell her that there are some things that don’t happen everyday. Take for example CDI. It is an amazing landmark movie, but you cannot expect all future SRK movies to be another CDI. Future SRK movies like OSO will be fun and entertaining, and all the things we expect from SRK, but don’t expect CDI all the time. CDI is once in a lifetime kind of a movie, SRK thankfully has given many profound ground-breaking movies such as CDI, Don, Kank, Swades, Devdas, & DDLJ, but all movies cannot be as weighty. Movies are meant to be an escape. They are meant to take our mind away from every day pressures. They are meant to make us feel good. Movies are meant to be enjoyed.

When the plane landed in Delhi. I helped her get her bags from the luggage bin. She saw me eying the filmfare tucked into one of the pockets of her bags. I asked her, “You like movies”, She said , “Yes”. I told her, “Then watch OSO, it will be totally paisa wasool ”. I told her to take care and walked away.

Big B as Basanti in yet another Sholay remake.

What most are not privy to is that after Aag’s failure, RGV has immediately announced another re-make of Sholay. He has done such remakes of remakes before. In this version, Big B will play Basanti (will be called Basmati and the remake will be called RGV’s Pagalpan). Big B present on that occasion said that during the making of the original Dharmendra’s Sholay (aka Amjad Khan’s or Ramesh Sippy’s Sholay) he used to run around the sets in Basanti’s Ghagra-Choli and Capri style underpants. He has always longed to play Basanti, but no one recognized his anguish till one day while RGV was looking deep into his eyes, he saw glimpses of Basanti in him.

Here are some dialogues from RGV’s Pagalpan

Big B (Basmati) : Ha Babu, Bolo Kahan Jaaoge ? Aaage Ya Peeche ? Aaage Ka Doh Rupiya Aur Peeche Ka Ek Rupiya. Abh Poocho Kyon ? Poocho Poocho, Aaage Ka Doh ? Aur Peeche Ka Ek Kyon ? Bhai Agar Peeche Gaye Toh Sirf Peeche Gaye, Aur Agar Aaage Gaye Toh Phir Oopar and Neeche Dono Gaye. Youn Ki Dekhnewali Baath Ye Hai …..

Oh yes, I forgot this version of Sholay is based in a red light district of Bombay, and Basmati (i.e. Big B) is a street walker in it (imagine the opportunity for a weird get-up). When asked to confirm, Big B said he has no problem eroding his legacy, after all, he said, it is not as if he earned it. He added that he will work for anyone who will give him the bus fare and the lunch money. In fact he will work for free if they also took Lil C in the movie. Additionally he stated that if they gave Lil C a big role, then he will after the shoot come over and clean the dishes also.

Ab Tera Kya Hoga Big B?

Imam Saheb’s words in the movie Sholay, “Do you know that the world’s heaviest burden is the weight of a son’s coffin on a father’s shoulder” was on Sallu’s mind as he sat there in a Jodhpur prison. He left victimized, he left discriminated against, but mostly he felt sorry for his parents. At that moment the thing that he wanted most, more than his own freedom, was to ease his parent’s pain. He knew he had to stay strong for his family’s sake. Hence when bail was granted, he stepped out of the prison looked straight at the forces that were keen to hold him down and sang as only he could, “Kitne Bhi Tum Karlo Sitam, Hans Hans Ke Sahege Hum. Yeh Pyar Honga Na Kum, Sanam Teri Kasam”. Once a hero, always a Hero, Sallu perseveres undeterred.

On landing in Bombay the first thing Sallu did (since Sholay’s dialogues were hounding him in prison) was pay a visit to his favorite theatre on Dargah Street to see RGV’s Aag. Sholay, co-written by his father along with Javed Akhtar was his favorite movie. One could say Salim-Javed were the real heroes of Sholay. But that would not be fair to Dharmendra (who was the hero of Sholay) or Amjad Khan (who’s name has become synonymous with Sholay) or Ramesh Sippy (Sholay is his finest work) and his crew of technicians. Sholay is without doubt one of the best movie ever made in Bollywood, even the sundry supporting cast of Sholay from A.K. Hangal (Imam Saheb) to Mac Mohan (Sambha) to Big B ( Dharmendra’s sidekick in Sholay) to Jagdeep (who can forget Soorma Bhopali) to Sachin (Ahmed) were just outstanding.

The problem with RGV’s Aag is that RGV thought that the hype and controversy surrounding any effort to remake an iconic movie like Sholay would be enough to sustain his venture. It appears that he paid more attention on generating & maintaining the hype than making the product. RGV’s Aag, unintentionally, is the Rosetta Stone by which we can look at SRK’s Don and see the brilliance of SRK and Farhan Akhtar. In a similar fashion we can re-visit Sarkar and Nisabdh through the prism of Aag and see the flaws in those movies. In any case, it is safe to say that Aag is proof of RGV’s delusion.

RGV once stated that Lil C was a better actor than Big B. After seeing Aag, Saalu agrees that Big B is worse than even Lil C. To say that Big B just hams through Aag is to give him too much credit. In most cases he makes faces that teenagers make and capture on their cell phone’s camera. Instead of the majesty of Amjad Khan we have the amateurish buffoonery of Allahbad’s very own Doodhwalah Bhaiya. Needless to say this is a new low for Big B, his performance in Aag is so bad that it makes even his performance in Hum Kaun Hai and Boom look good. Is it not ironical that within a short time we saw one movie, viz CDI, which proved that SRK is the best ever star actor in Bollywood worthy of a National Award, and on the other hand we also saw RGV’s Aag which cast fresh doubt on Big B’s talent and makes him a contender for the worst actor of the century.

To be fair, and Sallu is very fair, perhaps RGV was attempting to do a Quintin Tarantino. Perhaps Aag was supposed to be to Sholay what Jackie Brown was to Blackploitation movies. But that would require humor and RGV has hemorrhoids, skill and RGV has shit for brains. RGV is no Tarantino and should stop believing that. Aag is Sholay without its brilliance or fun. Hence forward RGV should just simply make a movie rather than attempt to prove how brilliant he is.

For the record, once again a Big B movie opened to empty halls. Sallu wondered, “Ab Tera Kya Hoga Kaalia Nakta Big B?“.