The changing costumes of Big B

The girl at Starbucks for the third time this week refused to take money, “It is OK” she said. This Starbucks is the farthest from my office in NYC. I cannot go any further for coffee. I had a similar problem at the other locations (closer to my office) too. I wonder when those days ended when girls used to just smile and flutter their eye lashes. At least then I could just act innocent, blush a little and walk away without feeling obligated. But Hey everything around is changing. Once upon a time I knew what Big B looked like. Today in every movie he is in some over the top weird costume, it is hard to recognize if this is the same Big B who once was such a poor actor that Prakash Mehra, his then friend, decided to make Devdas lite (Muqaddar’s Sikandar) keeping his acting limitations in mind. If you don’t know then let me tell you that the worst kept secret in Bollywood is that Big B’s biggest sore point is Muqaddar’s Sikandar because it records his inability. He wishes that he had not been part of a movie which proves that he was not good enough to do a full blown Devdas (To make matters worse, SRK’s Devdas received standing ovation. SRK won most of the awards that year for Devdas).

We all understand that Big B was in his hay days, at best, the Kesto Mukerjee of Angry Young Men. He was the best in that limited range. When he did upscale comedy like Chupke Chupke he was awkward and a liability, thank God for Dharam Paaji who saved that movie. Big B was good either delivering Salim-Javed’s dialogues or behaving like some Doodhwallah Bhaiya from Allahabad. Big B’s great comedy act was playing the Doodhwala Bhaiya, that was his goto act. Hence in Big B’s hays days, Big B’s jacket changed from regular to leather to signal that now he was really angry. Or the back ground music increased by a few thousand decibels. Given lemons, the directors then resorted to making lemonade. Pick any old Big B movies (the movies which the Bachchanistas swear by) and you will find that even an Emraan Hashmi could have done better. A brooding Emraan Hashmi in “Awaarapan” is far better than Big B is most of his old movies (top three performances of 2007: i) SRK in CDI; ii) Emraan Hashmi in Aawaarapan; and iii) Akshaye in Gandhi).

Having played a mediocre first innings, Big B (and especially the Bachchanistas) wants to rewrite history in his second innings. In keeping with the saying, “when you cannot convince them with substance try to baffle them with bull shit”, Big B is trying very hard to hide his lack of talent behind some weird getups. He is hoping that if his getups is the worst things about his role, i.e. if his getups become the lighting rod and attracts all the negative attention, no one will notice his poor acting. He is hoping that relatively his acting will supeficially appear good. Hence be ready guys, Big B is out to prove that he is a great actor via one god awful costume after another. In one movie he will have mismatched neon eye lenses, in another he will be in a Cowboy/Street-Urchin clothes, in another with a pony tail and yet another he will be bald. A desperate pursuit to cover-up his average talent.

 

 

The top three things Big B would do if he was Don Jungli Billa Khan.

• 3) Give less flops
• 2) Provide more hits
• 1) Show some class, i.e. find his way to SRK and touch his feet in acknowledgment of SRK’s performance of a millennium in Chak De India.

I am technology challenged, but I suggest  propose to those who are better than me in such matters, to start a world wide online petition urging Big B to acknowledge SRK’s amazing performance in Chak De India.

Kuch Kariye.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall : A review of Chak De India

The state of Maine in the United States is a magical place. No where is the water as clear ,or is as blue. No where the sky as inspiring. While in Maine it seems that one is part of one of God’s masterpiece paintings. One walks in humility completely in awe of nature. This weekend I took off from Teterboro airport (TEB) on my maiden flight after getting my pilot license (sports). The weather was bad on Friday and my friend who is a chicken at heart right away began to draw parallels with JFK Jr’s tragic flight. It took a while to get her on the plane. I assured her that unlike JFK Jr I would fly mostly IFR (Instrument Flight Rules) and not VFR (Visual Flight Rules). I also reminded her that I don’t do drugs nor do I consume intoxicating drinks. Moreover the plane we were flying, I told her, was brand spanking new and with the latest technology (unlike JFK Jr’s hand me down plane). With a little caution, the flight was very uneventful, we got to enchanting Maine safe and sound.

In the dreamlike land of Maine, I found myself in front of The Magical Mirror. This mirror is brutally honest. It is very unkind to most people. It calls a spade a spade. I am very fortunate that The Magical Mirror is very kind to me. In return I do not take it for granted. I always look and admire the mirror as much as I look and admire myself in it. The fact that I am not vain, certainly helps. Hence, on Sunday morning while my friend was off to the Church (her father is a Pastor at a local Church in Maine). I found myself in front of The Magical Mirror. I had made this trip only to be in front of The Magical Mirror (but please don’t reveal this to my friend). I asked “Mirror Mirror on the wall which is the best sports film of them all”. See, I am not vain, and shame on you for thinking I would fish for compliments.

The Magical Mirror replied “Many sports movies that have been made in Hollywood. Some of them have been just brilliant. Unfortunately there has never been a big budget sports movie attempted in Bollywood”

I apologized and interrupted, “What about Lagaan”. The Magical Mirror got very upset, “Laagan was a jingoistic formula movie with cricket thrown in. It was not a sports movie. It was a villager, Bhuvan’s wet dream. There is no doubt that Lagaan was a good movie, but it was not a sports movie”. The Magical Mirror went silent for while. I was scared that it would now not finish the thought that I had interrupted. Hence I said “I am sorry that I interrupted, please continue, I will not do that again”.

The Magical Mirror continued “Pound for pound, as a sports movie, Chak De India is no less than the best of sports movies made in Hollywood. But when you consider the social commentary that CDI provides and the fact that it allows us an inside look at the state of affairs in India today, one has to attach greater importance to CDI. Very few sports movies have been able to arise above and beyond their niche. CDI as a movie apart from being a fantastic sports movie also straddles the domain of say Bimal Roy’s Do Bhiga Zameen with equal elegance. Therefore for its dual duty, it qualifies to be counted amongst the best movies ever made. It is certainly the best sports movie ever made.”

“Wow”, I said, “Tell me oh Mirror Mirror on the wall, what do you think about the production values”

The Magical Mirror responded “All praise be to God for giving Yash Chopra and the dashing young Adi the strength and courage to make this movie. It is a miracle that this movie was made. It is a no nonsense movie. There is none of the usual Bollywood cheesiness in this movie. In CDI there is no demented aging actor in awful getup shaking his hips gingerly to some over the top song. On the other hand, even with SRK in the movie the producers did not succumb to the temptation of inserting some romance and some songs. Chak De India could not have been made without the courage of YRF. Additionally praise be to God for giving Jaideep Sahni the talent to write a complex multi dimensional story with no compromises. A story told straight from the heart without any apologies. Finally, praise be to God for giving Shimit Amin the ability to convert a rich story into a visual poem. Keeping the narrative as simple as possible and yet very thrilling and entertaining. Nothing in CDI is forced or contrived. The movie follows a pleasant arc and ends in total satisfaction”

Sensing that it would not be too long before my friend returned from Church, I quickly asked “Mirror Mirror on the wall, what do think of SRK’s performance”.

After some deliberation, The Magical Mirror replied, “It is easy to take major risks when you are over the hill, or a has been. It is likewise also easy to take a risk when you are a young turk and have nothing to loose. Nonetheless it is very difficult to take risks when you are at the top. It is even more difficult when you are attempting to be constructively disruptive (going against the grain of what has made you great). For his ability to constantly take risk I salute SRK. For his ability to take risk even while at the very pinnacle of his career I commend him. May SRK go from strength to strength. SRK is the very soul of CDI. Without SRK (the 16 girls were brilliant too) there would be no CDI. It can be said that CDI is proof positive why SRK is the best ever actor that Bollywood has seen. No amount of praise is enough. No one could have done Kabir Khan”

At that point The Magical Mirror stopped talking. It went into a deep thought and then said, “Did I not tell you months ago to hold all awards this year for SRK. Did I not tell you months ago that SRK will show once and for all why he is the Don Jungli Billa Khan of Bollywood. Did I not tell you days before the movie released that CDI was going to be the best sports movie ever made. Why are you wasting your time asking me the same things again? A tall young handsome and athletic man with light hair and even lighter eyes could have used this opportunity to fish for some compliments. But instead you ask me the same old questions again”.

To which I replied, “I just wanted to confirm the truth, besides I am not vain”.

Ash attempts a sour dough bun.

It was way past mid-night, almost early morning. Years ago, Big B’s ancestors in Allahabad by this time used to be awake and milking the cows already. But this is Bombay, a city best understood by imagining New York and Los Angeles rolled into one. A city of extreme contrasts. A place populated by industrialists richer than the Queen of England while also a home to people poorer than the crack whore in the inner cities of USA.

The residence of the Khan apartment were alarmed by a sharp but unrelenting knock on their door. Salim Saheb, the patriarch of the family thought that perhaps one of the guests from the party that had ended moments ago had forgotten something and was returning to collect it. Arbu his son, jumped up, and opened the door. Inspector Eagle walked in with a pissed off look on his face.

“Where is Sallu”, he asked in a very firm voice.

Arbu who was the brains of this family quickly tried to engage the Inspector., “ Would you like a drink, the party is over but the food & drinks are still out”

“N O O, no drinks, I want S A L L U”, the inspector barked.

“What is the problem” Arbu asked trying to be as accommodating as possible

“The Problem” Inspector Eagle responded with an incredulous look, “there is a bun in Ash’s oven, we think she is baking a sour dough bun, we think the starter came from Sallu Mian, and if that is the case, I promise I will nail his eye balls to the wall for this”.

“Now, now Inspector. Ash is a married women, it could be Lil C’s child. Why are you accusing Bhaijaan” Arbu tried to reason in vain.

This really got the inspector very upset, he yelled, “Yes that is possible, but from what we know about Lil C’s capabilities, it is highly unlikely. Therefore stop wasting my time and tell me where was Sallu during the IIFAA awards. Was he anywhere close to Ash ”

Arbu’s heart sank because he knew where Sallu was during IIFAA. He also knew that the word was on Dargah Streets that after a diet of Lil C, Ash was craving for Sallu these days. Nonetheless he tried to diffuse the situation, “ That does not mean anything. You have to wait till the child is born and then if he is a lousy to mediocre actor then it is without doubt a Bachchalan child. Even otherwise there are so many possibilities. If the child is an outstanding actor, the very best, the Don Jungli Billa Khan of actors, then it could be SRK’s child. If the child is tall & handsome, with a twitching nose and very light eyes, then it could be Hritik Roshan’s child. If he has “paan stains” then it could be Ajay Devgan’s. If he is very insecure and takes a million re-takes, then probably Amir Khan is the father. Why are you accusing Sallu Bhaijaan without any proof”

Some of what Arbu said sank into Inspector Eagle’s head, “What are you trying to tell me” he said, a little calmer now.

Arbu seized the opportunity and responded in a matter of fact manner, “Well, it is not as if she has lived a life of a saint, even Vivek Oberoi had his way with her. Come on, even Vivek Oberoi, given Ash’s history you just cannot walk in here and start accusing Bhaijaan without any proof. He has rights too”.

Inspector Eagle suddenly realized that he had jumped the gun, he backed off, “OK then, if we find that the child turns out to be such a lousy actor that he plays a Panju from Batinda as if he was a Doodhwala Bhaiya from Allahabad and simultaneously if the child turns out to be ugly, then I will remove Sallu from the list of suspects, but till then make sure he does not skip town without my permission. Sallu is always guilty until proven innocent.”

Chak De India : The movie of the year

A few more days to go, the excitement is in the air. The PR so far has been very well handled. Shimit Amin, Jaideep Sahni and SRK have been all over the media talking about the movie. By now everyone knows what the movie is about. It is clear that this is not your typical non Yash Ji and non Adi directed YRF movie. Had it been a typical YRF movie then there would have been, without fail, the not so big, Big B in a yet another awfull get up. Perhaps this time playing a street urchin recovering from cancer. Not just any cancer (how can it be, with Big B it has to be something bombastic), but bum cancer (similar to breast cancer, but mainly suffered by Bachchalan men). So imagine if you will, Big B in street urchins clothes, a tattered “kurta” (a oversized long shirt) and a hole ridden “lungi” (a kind of male sarong), with one butt cheek unusually swollen and convex and the other butt cheek eroded by cancer (and therefore concave), singing “Maula Mere Lele Meri Jaan”. Imagine him doing those delicate hip movements that he did in JBJ but this time imagine him doing that in a hole ridden “lungi” with one convex butt cheek and one concave butt cheek. Big B fans would have watched that with tears in the eyes, sobbing loudly and pulling their hair out every time Big B burst out into “Maula Mere Lele Meri Jaan”. Meanwhile normal people like you and me would have laughed, as usual, at Big B.

Well guys, sorry, you won’t be seeing Big B with mismatched butt cheek in “Chak De India”. This is not your typical YRF movie. But before you read any further please go and download that song, “Maula Mere Lele Meri Jaan”. It is a masterpiece. From all the songs in the “Chak De India” CD, I like this song the most. Although “Kuch Kariye and “Ek Hockey” are almost as good.

If you have seen and liked Shimit Amin’s earlier work, then you are for a treat. ATC compared to CDI seems like a graduating movie of a film student. CDI is slick, uplifting, positive and very gripping. You will not even notice that SRK is not singing songs and not romancing any heroine. It is without doubt the best Bollywood made sports movie you have ever seen. It is also by far the most Hollywood like narration but with a pure Desi soul.

But to say that CDI is just a sport movie would be very misleading. CDI is also a story of a bunch of girls, their dreams, their aspirations, and their struggles. The emotions are so real that you will get sucked into it. The coming together of these girls under the coaching of SRK is very well handled. These girls act like seasoned actresses.

Above all, CDI is about SRK and his fight to regain his honor You will see SRK at his best, he is all SRK with a hint of the great Vince Lombardy (“Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing”) and a garnish of Manoj Kumar (“Mere Desh Ki Dharti”). CDI is proof positive why SRK is the Ronaldinho of acting, the Don Jungli Billa Khan of Bollywood. SRK was born to play Kabir Khan.

Free Sunjay now……

My grandmother’s favorite star in Bollywood has always been Sunjay Dutt. This is not so because Baba is her friend, the Late Nargis Dutt’s son, but because Baba is the kindest and the most soft hearted star in Bollywood. His manners around the elders is just impeccable (so I have been told again and again). Ofcourse I have seen the other side of Baba also. I have seen his temper. Nonetheless I agree that amongst the three stars in Bollywood, Jackie Schroff, Sunjay Dutt and Salman Khan, known for their generosity, Sunjay is the most magnanimous (Big B is the most tight fisted miser). People have never seen him refuse to help. At the studios whenever there are visitors, he is the most co-operative in allowing people to take photographs with him.

Keeping his all round good nature in mind, I have great difficulty accepting what he is going through. His mother died after living with and suffering the dredged cancer for a long time. His wife too died similarly after suffering a long bout of illness. Recently his father passed away also. I just don’t know how much a guy can take. Women beat their chest, go and cry from roof tops, and on every passing shoulder, for the smallest of things, but men generally suffer in silence. Society does not allow us to cry. Dealing with death of a loved one is not easy. I know, a few years ago my fiancé passed away. My life stopped for a while. But, here we are talking about a wife, a mother and a father. I cannot even imagine Baba’s pain. It is a miracle that he carries on life with a smile on his face.

Can anyone tell me what purpose will this sentence serve? For fourteen plus years he has been going back and forth to the court, does that not count for anything? Did the judge’s psycho babble justifying his decision make any sense to anyone? If you agree with me please lend you voice and protest. If possible sign petitions (if you are presented with one). Do not sit back, do something. Make an effort to free Sunjay Dutt. DO SOMETHING.