The Nakta Bachchalan reveals his true self in "RGV’s Hemmorrhoids"

After making us laugh our guts off with his delicate hip movements, a la women with a nasty yeast infection (in a major break through role in Jhoom Barabar Jhoom) Big B is soon going to be back as a Nakta (one with a cut nose), aka Babban Singh in RGV’s Aag. This time we will get an opportunity to laugh equally hard at his mismatched neon colored eye lens. Sometimes I wonder what will happen if Big B did not exist. Really, sometimes I wonder who a billion plus Desi men and women will mock and ridicule if Big B stopped acting altogether. But then I am reminded by my friends in Bollywood that Big B is shameless, a Nakta, and hence will rather erode all his credibility then retire. Therefore guys rejoice, fun and frolic is not ending anytime soon. If you thought his Gypsy getup in JBJ or his Babban Singh get up in RGV’s “Aag” is a new low, then wait and watch, the fat lady has not sung yet. Who knows next we will see him as Edna Turnblad (John Travolta’s role in Hairspray).

Suddenly we are being doused by reports about how much Big B wanted to play Gabbar Singh. Those who were on the sets of G.P. Sippy’s ever green “Sholay” will vouch that in those days all he cared was to make sure that he, instead of Dharmendra, died in the movie (so that he ended up with all the sympathy). Never once did anyone or Ramesh Sippy hear a peep about Big B wanting to play Gabber Singh. But hey, this guy is shameless, he is a Nakta.

Hats off to his royal highness, Himesh Reshamaya for pissing on RGV’s parade by releasing his Mehbooba song before RGV could release his Mehbooba inspired song. Having listened to both there is no doubt in my mind that Himesh rocks. Even the video that has been released to promoto RGV’s song and movie is pathetic. No doubt people associated with the movie are walking away from it. Now let us see if Sippy family do their part and re-release “Sholay” along with RGV’s “Aag”.

BTW has anyone read the synopsis to RGV’s Aag ? After reading it I have no doubt that the “Aag” (fire, heat & itching) must be coming from his hemorrhoids, hence a better title for that movie should be “RGV’s Hemmorrhoids”.

Salman Khan, the Rocky Balboa of Bollywood.

If SRK (the best star actor Bollywood has seen) is the Mohammed Ali of Bollywood then Salman Khan is the Rocky Balboa. Although it was always known that Salman is bullet proof, “Partner” makes it clear that he can go toe to toe against the best, at their best, and still keep standing. Look at the Salman’s track record, he was gone mano-amano against, SRK, Amir Khan, Sunjay Dutt, Sunny Deol, the not so big Big B, and yet he has manged to not just survive but do well. No matter how much you pound Salman he just does not go down. He is like that energizer bunny, he keep on going and going.

Think about this. After the Vivek and Ashwaria public assassination, anyone would have died or faded away, but not Salman.

After the controversy in Jodhpur (Rajasthan) one would have expected his fans to just disappear, but seems like Salman has increased his fan following.

After the drunk driving incident it would have been a safe bet to assume that producers would flee, but now it seems like even our buddy K Jo wants to sign up Salman.

There is no doubt that Salman has a big heart, just look at how he helped Govinda, or given away his prized paintings as gifts to friends, but after Partner by the powers vested in me I declare Salman Khan as the Rocky Balboa of Bollywood.

Ash remembers her former Partner

A nightmare woke Ash up in the middle of the night. She found beads of sweat anchoring every strand of hair on her body. The sight of the very ugly Lil C sleeping next to her made her feel even worse. She broke out in tears. “Jhoom Barabar Jhoom” had flopped, people all over were debating whether JBJ was Bollywood’s answer to Michael Cimino’s “Heaven’s Gate” or Elaine May’s “ Ishtar”. On the other hand, Salman Khan’s “Partner” was a block buster hit. She did not know what she hated more, JBJ flopping or Partner being a hit. Not a day has gone by since her farcical wedding when she has not regretted it. She cursed the day when she, urged by her parents, double crossed Salman. Suddenly she felt a tingle in a deep dark and recently unused crevice of her body, at that moment, she longed for Salman. She remembered how gentle and caressing he was. She remembered how the bells used to ring in her head. She longed to be with him. The overbearing rancid smell of some bad cheese freshly cut by the sleeping Lil C brought her back to reality. She rushed out into the terrace to escape the stench and get some fresh air.

From her terrace Ash could see the Dargah (Shrine) out there at the distance, far out to her right. She remembered the good old days when Salman used to take her to the Dargah Street for road side snacks. She remembered the delicious hollowed out boiled potatoes stuffed with “Chana Battata” , garnish with crispy golden fried onions and topped with a spicy yogurt sauce made from “curry leaves” and a “tarka of rye”. She distinctly remembered eating that for the first time and that Salman had told her that those potatoe snacks were called “Hundies”.

Earlier today Ash had gone to the Dargha street wearing the infamous “Burkha” she had borrowed from her friend Himesh Reshamiya (yes the same Burkha that Himesh had worn to the Ajmer Shareef Shrine). Out of old habit she wanted so much to stop at the Dargah and also to eat those delicious “Hundies”, but this morning she was on a mission. She was there to see the new movie “Partner” at the theatre on Dargah Street.

Inspite of trying her best to hate “Partner”, Ash immensely enjoyed the laugh riot. She always knew that Salman was a kind lion hearted person but still was amazed by Salman’s generosity toward Govinda. It was as if “Partner” was a gift from Salman to Govinda. Moreover Ash felt that even with the burden of anchoring the movie, Salman still managed to not get blown away by a Govinda at his comedic best (something that not even Big B could manage). Salman’s antics at the airport had Ash rolling in the aisle with laughter. She felt her heart skip beats whenever Salman was on screen (something she never felt with Lil C). Ash liked everything about “Partner” except Katrina Kaif, who she felt looked like a “Choosa Hua Lungda Aam” (a sucked mango). After the movie was over, Ash sat there in the empty cinema hall, stunned, hating her life, hating Salman, hating everything. She just could not make up her mind whether she hated the fact that JBJ had flopped more or the fact that “Partner” was a blockbuster.

Big B back to his old sabotaging ways.

With his performance in SOAL being dismissed; With the jury still debating whether Big B/Lil C’s JBJ is India’s answer to Michael Cimino’s “Heaven’s Gate” or Elaine May’s “Ishtar”; With his “big hit” making about the same financial returns as an Emraan Hashmi or an Irfan Khan movie; Big B is back to his old sabotaging ways. Seeing his desperation one wishes he had really worked this hard (in a constructive sense) while he was young and made a legacy back then, rather than having to be a Tonya Harding in his old age. If only Big B had not been a tampon to Parveen Babi in his glory days he would not have to be such a back stabbing, leg breaking, SOB today.

So what is Big B upto these days ? He is twisting the arms of his associates to bad mouth SRK’s Chak De. The man behind the one sole negative rumor surrounding the first Chak De trailer is none other than Big B. He was hoping to kill two birds with one stone, i) He wanted to sabotage a SRK movie, and ii) He wanted to deny any credit to Chak De for some of the revenue flow during the first week of JBJ. Luckily for SRK this conspiracy got exposed. Fortunately all feedback has been very positive (a poll on AVS found that more than 75% liked it) while there is only one negative report (from a Big B associate). Needless to say, Big B is a nasty evil man and hence the existence of a direct link to those that have bad mouthed Chak De’s first trailer will not shame him, in other words, don’t expect any apologies.

So what next ? With the first trailer conspiracy nipped in the bud, the Bachchalan Big B has now moved on to creating a buzz that things were not well between SRK and the director of Chak DE, Shimit Amin. This new rumor just tells you how pathetic Big B /Lil C are because anyone who is anyone in Bollywood will tell you that given the pre-organized & pre-planned way a Yash Raj Film shoot occurs, this fight on the sets is impossible. On the sets only that which has been pre-decided and approved by Adi happens. There is no room for conflict. Beside today Bollywood has got so professional that no one, atleast no one at the SRK/Adi Chopra/K Jo level, indulges in emotional outbursts during production. Those kinds of fights belong to a medieval age.

My friends, lovers of the good entertaining movies, surf the usual Big B/Lil C PR sites like NaachoGaaoAurJhootBolo.com and you will see the usual suspects, the very unemployed S.S. Sunderum busy trying to sabotage Chak De via their fake multiple IDs. If only these SRK haters could understand that all their efforts could not make Lil C a star (he is not even in the top ten) and all their hate could not dent Don (inspite of everything).

Chak De India rocks and will be a hit because it is a fast paced entertaining movie with a good story and an amazing performance from SRK.

"Chak De India" Reserve the awards for SRK this year

Through out his career SRK has taken risks which other were too scared to take. He played negative roles when it was not cool or acceptable for a leading man to play negative roles; Played tragic roles when convention demanded that he worked in a feel good movie; He has played a brother to the leading lady; Played a romantic lead while it was considered safe to play an action hero; Played an action hero when it was safe to play a comedian; Made remakes knowing fully well that the nasty fans of those who’s role he has stepping into would roast him alive. His ability to take risk and assure success has made him the best ever star actor that Bollywood has produced. Soon he returns to the screen after the stylish and triumphant “Don” with another feel good gem, “Chak De India”.

“Chak De India” on one level is about individuals coming together as a team under the leadership of an able and compassionate coach (played by SRK) and winning against all odds. Nonetheless the bigger story is about the struggle of one man, the coach, to redeem his past. At the end there are two winners, Team India which wins a championship and the coach who regains his lost dignity.

Those who have liked “Ab Tak Chappan” will find the same depth and substance in “Chak De India” but the narration more uplifting. The movie compared to ATC is faster paced and has the audience rooting all along for SRK and the team.

As far as SRK is concerned the acting awards this year should be reserved for him. He will make you feel his pain when he is neglected and his joy when he is victorious. SRK will make you come out of the movie feeling good and desirous of putting more efforts in your life endeavors.

Afer the terrible set back of “Jhoom Barabar Jhoom” Yash Raj Film will once more soar again.