Is Bachchalan toast?

Unless you have been on another planet, you probably know by now that things have not been going well for our Doodhwala Bhaiya from Allahabad. Only yesterday it seems he was on cloud nine, beating up journalist, taking deliveries of Rolls Royce and now it appears that the Bachchalan ship is sinking.

Articles is the print media, blogs, everyone is asking the same question, “Is Bachchalan toast? ” There is this little bird that comes by my window every mornings and wakes me up. Each morning it sings beautiful songs to me, puts a smile on my face and a spring in my steps. Today, even the little bird kind of frantically woke me up and asked, “Is Bachchalan Toast ?” The funny thing is that normally it is the bird who tells me all the gossip from the land beyond the great pond that separates the tea drinkers from the coffee drinkers, the boys from the men. Hence I deliberated some and put the following down on paper so that tomorrow morning I will be able to tell my little bird what I think on this issue.

Yes I think that the Bachchalans (not just Big B but also Lil C) are toast. The following are the reasons why :

A star actor is responsible for opening a movie. The content of the movie is thereafter responsible for the ultimate success or the failure. For example “Eyes Wide Shut” opened like a Tom Cruise movie but ran like a Stanley Kuberic movie. From this perspective a star is a star till he/she can open movies. Once the star ceases to open movies he becomes irrelevant. As the Americans Soldiers in Vietnam learned, “No Tikki, No Likki”. The last two Big B movies, Nisabd & Chaddi Kum Banyan Zyada, opened to a 20%-30% audience, i.e. 70%-80% of the theatre was empty. Even Baghban opened poorly (ultimately ran on the strength of its content). Hence the writing is on the walls, Big B is history.

The political misadventure in UP is finally catching up with the Bachchalans. With the change in guard in UP State politics, every day we are witnessing another nail being hammered into the Bachchalan coffin. A lot of people are already saying that the deal is done, and Bachchalan is going to go to prison. Ofcourse there are a few who point towards Salman Khan & Sanjay Dutt and say that nothing will happened to Bluffmaster Sr. Unfortunately for the loyal few, there is a difference between Salman & Sanjay and the Bachchalan. Even at their worst, Salman & Sanjay could open movies and had everyone’s goodwill working in their favor, whereas Big B has very little goodwill left within the industry and elsewhere. Everywhere the knives are out. People who he and his son mocked in the movies, people who he and his wife abandoned in Delhi are now in power. The film fraternity after Lil C’s wedding is also unwilling to forgive Big B. Therefore however you look at it, the Bachchalans seem to be running on empty.

Lately no one is willing to work with the Bachchalans. Kareena who is desperately trying to makeup with K Jo refused to work in a Dharma Production because she wants nothing to do with Lil C. Likewise Nawab Saif Ali Khan Pataudi also refused to work with Lil C. Moreover, Rani, Preity Woman, & Priyanka Chopra have made it known that they are unavailable for any future films with Lil C. Even Hema Malini has refused to work with Big B in the sequel to the Bhaiya film, Ganga. If all these people are collectively unwilling to work with the Bachchalans then something tells me that everything is not all right. The other shoe is about to drop.

Finally (I always save the best for the last), did anyone catch the announcement that King Adi has decided to release a 5 minutes SRK song video with JBJ. Do you know what that means? That means that King Adi has decided to disallow the success of JBJ to be credited to Lil C. Let me explain this better. Please put aside your coffee mugs and read this carefully. I, Shaan Khan, am a very decent guy, all these bollywood machination mean very little to me. I am naïve and innocent, a little too naive and a little too innocent. But my Abid Mamu in Noida, UP and my Abhla Mausi in Toronto Canada are not that naïve and innocent. Oh …no, they are not simple people like me, they will remind everyone that a SRK item song added approx INR 100 Mil to the revenue of a stupid movie, Kaal. Hence a SRK song in today’s environment will add atleast INR 200 Mil to the revenue of JBJ. The success of JBJ will ultimately accrue to SRK after the 5 minute song video was added to JBJ. Whatever crumbs that remain after SRK takes the lion share will accrue to Bobby Deol (he will do a HR in this movie). Hence in the final analysis, Bachchalans arse is grass, and King Adi is the lawn mover.