For the records

Lil C’s Jhoom Barabar Jhoom opened to less than 70% crowd and slid to less than 35% within a couple of days. The drop in week 2 compared to the opening week is over 70%. Clear signs that Lil C has zilch star value. AT YRF they are thinking of re-dubbing Lil C’s dialogues with a Gujju accent (hoping that Tina Ambani might like it). Some have suggested that Big B should be removed, and instead Ash should be added on as the “Sutradhar” (a lot of people believe that she is the most commercialy viable Bachchan these days).

At the end of the day, with the results out, Lil C (thanks to JBJ) is being removed from the top fifteen Bollywood Stars list.

Govinda breathes a sigh of relief.

Now that the news that Jhoom Barabar Jhoom has completely collapsed has been verified and confirmed, we sent out Shakeel Chikna to investigate. You may ask why Shakeel Chikna and not Reporter Raju, well the answer is that we wanted my old mentor, and multiple Nawabi Prize winner, Essaq Bhai Khopdi (yes the same Essak Bhai who lives over Sarvi Restaurant in Nagpada, Bombay) to do this investigation, but he is busy in Cheekago these days, doing a study on “The Prevalence of Camel-Toes During Dandia” . He requested that we assign the task to his student Shakeel Chikna. The following is the feedback and comments that Shakeel Chikna has collected.

Karishma Kapoor

Abhi Nahin Kabhin Nahin’s movies have never done well. He has yet to deliver a solo hit that can be credited to him. Guru worked because i) It was a movie on an Indian Icon and for the first time in Bollywood history we had a Gujju hero (the dhokla crowd wearing camel-toes went nuts over it) and ii) The spill over effect from the positive media coverage over his engagement announcement. Hence the whole premise that Abhi Nahim Kabhi Nahin is a saleable star is a fabricated myth. I dumped him because he does not sell.

Hritikh Roshan

I think he needs to work on his appearance and his physique before stepping in front of a camera. The way he is (slouch et all), he lacks charisma, one can be an actor without charisma, but never a star. Also the beard has to go.

Fardeen Khan

If I had been given as many chances and by such big producers as Lil C has been given, I would have been an established star long ago. I look better and have more acting talent in my little finger than he has in his whole body.

Saif Ali Khan

To be a star one has to have the ability to open a movie. Even Guru which ran because the Gujju crowd went nuts over their homie, Ambani, and because of external circumstances, opened very poorly. Hence till Lil C cannot open a movie he will be in the “also ran” category, good for regional cinema and side roles but not for the lead role in Bollywood.

Ajay Devgan

I have been around longer and delivered better performances and bigger hits. When I look at myself, my success and see my position in the industry, I wonder why some people are even noticing Lil C. The arse hole cannot act, he looks shit and has yet to deliver a hit that can be attributed to him. From my perspective even the serial smoocher, Emran Hashmi is a more consistent performer and a more bankable star.

Adi Chopra

As a courtesy to his father I gave him one big chance and he acted like some Doodhwalla Bhaiya from Allahabad rather than a red blooded Panju from Batinda. He screwed up a safe movie which even a Shahid Kapoor would have seen it through. I hope the next time Lil C comes over to toss my salad, he shaves his beard because his beard tickles my arse when he kisses it.

Govinda

Atleast now I can breathe easy. Had JBJ been a success my position would have been threatened. I just came out of a rough patch and the last thing I need is to be sidelined by some privileged kid.

Akshay Kumar

I have delivered more hits than Lil C, I have overshadowed Big B in a head on competition and even I don’t talk about being in the top five, who the F… is Lil C to think that he is a bigger star than me.

Jhoom Barabar Jhoom

Rahim Chacha is an old family help. He came over to the USA with my siblings and me. These days he visits my siblings once in a while, but thinks of my home as his home. As old as he is, he still insist on doing everything. He cooks & cleans, drives me around, he is the butler as well as the gardener. He is truly family to my siblings and me, and like true family members we subject him to a lot of pranks. We have convinced him that his eye sights are getting weaker. Every time a new Lil C movie comes to town, we take him to see the movie. On seeing Lil C, he always says, “When I see Fardeen Khan, I can see that he is Feroz Khan’s son. When I see Bobby Deol, I can see that he is Dharmendra’s son. When I see Nawab Saif Ali Khan Patuadi, I can see that he is Sharmila’s son, but when I see Lil C, it appears that I am seeing Gulshan Groover’s son”. Ofcourse all he has to do is say that and we pound him till he is convinced that his eyes are getting weaker.

Thanks to Rahim Chacha, I saw “Jhoom Barabar Jhoom” yesterday. Rahim Chacha’s reaction was, “Kaisi Chali Hai Abh Ki Hawa Tere Shaher Mein, Bunday Bhi Ho Gayein Hai Khudah Tere Shaher Mein”. In the old days of Rahim Chacha there used to be Dilip Kumar, Raj Kapoor and Dev Aanad. He also saw the likes of Shammi Kappor, Sunil Dutt, Dharmendra. Unfortunately for him (as he puts it) he has lived to see Lil C, a ugly third class actor with no charisma being shoved down our throats by the media.

As opposed to many, I liked JBJ’s story. I can see why Adi invested in this venture. Nonetheless, the screenplay let the movie down and the dull direction just killed it. If you ask me who screwed up JBJ, I would say it is a toss up between lack luster direction of Shaad Ali and the poor acting of Lil C.

All Lil C had to do was be slightly better than Akshay Kumar (in Namaste London). Now how difficult can that be? But leave it up to Ash’s husband to screw up even a simple job. Instead of a Panju from Batinda, we see a Doodhwalla Bhaiya from Allahbad making all kind of faces. What was Lil C thinking ? Does he not know the difference between Punjab and UP ? He acts in JBJ as if this was some street “Nautanki”. Needless to say Lil C is so lacking in the charisma department that even Huffy Bhai scores over him. As usual, Lil C is very under whelming.

Preity Woman must be furious that after “Salaam Namaste”, she got demoted to a Lil C movie while Adi’s pet Rani, after Bunty & Bubly, got promoted to a Nawab Saif Ali Khan Patuadi movie. Thanks to Saif, Rani has a hit and thanks to Lil C, Preity has a flop.

Bobby Deol was the star in JBJ. He looked great and acted even better. Even in a relatively small role, he steals the show. Do not trust any review which claims that Lil C was better. Bobby did to Lil C in JBJ what HR did to him in Dhoom II. In the first half Bobby plays a rich suave guy and in the second half a nervous nelly. He does both of them so well that I would love to see him more often in comic roles. Along with Preity Woman, and Huffy Bhai he is the life of the movie.

Lara Dutt seriously needs to lose some weight and the less said about Big B the better. No wonder Big B is fast becoming very irrelevant. That Big B laughter close to the wee end of the movie was so fake and it puts into play the question, “Is Bachchalan Burnt Toast?”

At the end of the movie, I teasingly asked Rahim Chacha if he liked the kiss (Lil C kisses Preity Women in JBJ) ? To which Rahim Chacha replied, “You call that a kiss ? Kiss is what HR gave to Ash in Dhoom II”. It is safe to say that we all agree with Rahim Chacha. This was Lil C’s one last chance to prove that he is a contender for a slot in the top fifteen stars of Bollywood, unfortunately even with YRF’s backing, Lil C like a true Bachchan, fell flat on his face.

Why do beautiful women marry ugly guys ?

What is common between Julia Roberts, Heidi Klum and Ashwaria Rai ? Needless to say all three of them are beautiful women who married Ugly guys (Lyle Lovett, Seal & Lil C). Ofcourse Julia is no longer married to Lyle and Ashwaria in future may also return to Salman Khan, but the fact is their first marriages were to butt ugly guys. Hence the million dollar question is, “Why do beautiful women marry ugly guys ?”

If you think that Ash-Lil C pairing is rare then note that there is a site, www.marry-an-ugly-millionaire-online-dating-agency.com dedicated to helping beautiful women find ugly guys.

According to the results of a study, carried out by the University of Central Lancashire, women keep away from the best-looking high-flyers when seeking out a long-term partner. The study uncovered that women, either purposely or subconsciously, will pick good-looking men to date but reject them when it is time to walk down the aisle. It appears that handsome men carry a “health warning” that makes most women believe they will eventually prove unfaithful partners.

But a new study by Satoshi Kanazawa, an evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics, states the reason why it appears that beautiful women marry ugly guys is because there are more beautiful women than handsome men. Hence guys & gals it is merely a consequence of supply & demand.

Is Bachchalan toast?

Unless you have been on another planet, you probably know by now that things have not been going well for our Doodhwala Bhaiya from Allahabad. Only yesterday it seems he was on cloud nine, beating up journalist, taking deliveries of Rolls Royce and now it appears that the Bachchalan ship is sinking.

Articles is the print media, blogs, everyone is asking the same question, “Is Bachchalan toast? ” There is this little bird that comes by my window every mornings and wakes me up. Each morning it sings beautiful songs to me, puts a smile on my face and a spring in my steps. Today, even the little bird kind of frantically woke me up and asked, “Is Bachchalan Toast ?” The funny thing is that normally it is the bird who tells me all the gossip from the land beyond the great pond that separates the tea drinkers from the coffee drinkers, the boys from the men. Hence I deliberated some and put the following down on paper so that tomorrow morning I will be able to tell my little bird what I think on this issue.

Yes I think that the Bachchalans (not just Big B but also Lil C) are toast. The following are the reasons why :

A star actor is responsible for opening a movie. The content of the movie is thereafter responsible for the ultimate success or the failure. For example “Eyes Wide Shut” opened like a Tom Cruise movie but ran like a Stanley Kuberic movie. From this perspective a star is a star till he/she can open movies. Once the star ceases to open movies he becomes irrelevant. As the Americans Soldiers in Vietnam learned, “No Tikki, No Likki”. The last two Big B movies, Nisabd & Chaddi Kum Banyan Zyada, opened to a 20%-30% audience, i.e. 70%-80% of the theatre was empty. Even Baghban opened poorly (ultimately ran on the strength of its content). Hence the writing is on the walls, Big B is history.

The political misadventure in UP is finally catching up with the Bachchalans. With the change in guard in UP State politics, every day we are witnessing another nail being hammered into the Bachchalan coffin. A lot of people are already saying that the deal is done, and Bachchalan is going to go to prison. Ofcourse there are a few who point towards Salman Khan & Sanjay Dutt and say that nothing will happened to Bluffmaster Sr. Unfortunately for the loyal few, there is a difference between Salman & Sanjay and the Bachchalan. Even at their worst, Salman & Sanjay could open movies and had everyone’s goodwill working in their favor, whereas Big B has very little goodwill left within the industry and elsewhere. Everywhere the knives are out. People who he and his son mocked in the movies, people who he and his wife abandoned in Delhi are now in power. The film fraternity after Lil C’s wedding is also unwilling to forgive Big B. Therefore however you look at it, the Bachchalans seem to be running on empty.

Lately no one is willing to work with the Bachchalans. Kareena who is desperately trying to makeup with K Jo refused to work in a Dharma Production because she wants nothing to do with Lil C. Likewise Nawab Saif Ali Khan Pataudi also refused to work with Lil C. Moreover, Rani, Preity Woman, & Priyanka Chopra have made it known that they are unavailable for any future films with Lil C. Even Hema Malini has refused to work with Big B in the sequel to the Bhaiya film, Ganga. If all these people are collectively unwilling to work with the Bachchalans then something tells me that everything is not all right. The other shoe is about to drop.

Finally (I always save the best for the last), did anyone catch the announcement that King Adi has decided to release a 5 minutes SRK song video with JBJ. Do you know what that means? That means that King Adi has decided to disallow the success of JBJ to be credited to Lil C. Let me explain this better. Please put aside your coffee mugs and read this carefully. I, Shaan Khan, am a very decent guy, all these bollywood machination mean very little to me. I am naïve and innocent, a little too naive and a little too innocent. But my Abid Mamu in Noida, UP and my Abhla Mausi in Toronto Canada are not that naïve and innocent. Oh …no, they are not simple people like me, they will remind everyone that a SRK item song added approx INR 100 Mil to the revenue of a stupid movie, Kaal. Hence a SRK song in today’s environment will add atleast INR 200 Mil to the revenue of JBJ. The success of JBJ will ultimately accrue to SRK after the 5 minute song video was added to JBJ. Whatever crumbs that remain after SRK takes the lion share will accrue to Bobby Deol (he will do a HR in this movie). Hence in the final analysis, Bachchalans arse is grass, and King Adi is the lawn mover.

A missing neck tie ?

I came across the below photo and comment on the web, and after some deliberation I thought you might like a little humor. Hence enjoy.

Look at the above photo. Look very carefully (you can click on the image to enlarge it). See below his hair line near the collar of the jacket. Do you see the mound surrounding a depression? Well now you know why a neck tie is called “Cunt Lungot” in Hindi.