An open letter by a former fan

Dear Mr. Bachchalan:

I guess long before the law abiding Vijay of Prakash Mehra’s Zanjeer turned into the child molester Vijay of RGV’s Nisabdh, I ceased being your fan. These days watching you is like watching a lame old horse struggle to cross the finish line. But I remain your voice of reason.

Last Friday was another Friday, and sure enough we had another two flops from you. Watching your career graph is like watching the Dow Jones chart upside down, you hit a new low fairly regularly. People out of the goodness of their heart are calling SOAL as the highest grossing Appoorva movie in an effort to provide you with a soft landing. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, “”The film flopped, but Big B was not bad”. That sentence has now become a national lullaby. I hate to say this (for fear of breaking your heart) but you have the distinct honor of having the reverse Midas touch, i.e One touch and even Gold turns into shit (e.g. KBC, Thank God for SRK who revived a dead show).

A lot of Desis think you have soiled India’s image around the world by turning Jalsa into a new Jalianwala Baugh on April 20, 2007. Shame on you for beating up the journalist. Did you forget that they too are human ? But then when one hears about the way you treated Prakash Mehra, Hrishikesh Mukherjee, Mehmood, Parveen Babi, one is not surprised. What can you expect from a person of whom it is said that he once aspired to be a washable and reusable tampon for Parveen Babi.

Honestly, as I have said to you before, you have two choices. Either you can become the modern day Ashok Kumar or the modern day Mr. Irrelevent himself, i.e. Dev Anand. Right now you are running neck to neck with Dev Anand, but as a former fan I suggest you take a hold of your career, and switch to the Ashok Kumar track.

I commend you for praising SRK and the new KBC. I am sure by now you have heard about the amount of money the sponsors are willing to pay for SRK (KBC3). Unfortunately you could never in your wildest dreams command so much money. But then after taking such a positive step forward (i.e. Praising SRK) why the attack on Vivek Oberoi’s performance in SOAL courtesy Mr. P.K. Gaa & Mr. Gupt Gyan. Why are you instigating him ? Why say that he was over the top when you were likewise also extremely over the top in “Black”.

All we ask is a little shame. Please do not erode your legacy anymore. There is a third choice too, retire gracefully like Dilip Kumar.

Metro is Kangana Kangana Kangana.

When Kangana speaks it is as if angels speak on her behalf. I doubt if there is any actress in Bollywood today with the voice quality of Kangana. Juhi has good voice modulation (Tabu generally is very flat, except Namesake), but when it comes to voice quality, it is Kangana all the way. I know people have liked the Irfan/Konkena track best, but I liked Kangana. When she smiles….she rearranges the beats in one’s heart.

OK Irfan & Konkena were good too. I found Irfan’s compliments for Konkena (she being very beautiful) kind of the only hollow thing about the movie, I mean when you have Kangana in a movie, how can you praise anyone else, but then it occurred to me that we are talking of transposed axis. It is a different playing field. In the land where Irfan, Lil C and the likes reside, Konkena is beautiful. Nonetheless there is no doubt that she is a fabulous actress.

Dharmendra spooning Nafisa has put me on a diet (I am officially off sex now). Don’t get me wrong, their track was cute and it was great to see Paaji, but that spooning bit was DISGUSTING and should have come with some warning. I was traumatized. One moment you are on cloud nine with Kangana and the next moment, bang, there is Dharmendra spooning Nafisa. I have to see an ophthalmologist and get my eyes washed.

Shiney just does not have star qualities. To begin with a lot of Shiney/Shilpa track was lifted from Adrian Lyne’s “Unfaithful”. Unfortunately Shiney is not a Olivier Martinez or a star and his shortcoming is fatal for the BO prospects of the movie. Just imagine what Hritikh Roshan in this role would have done for the movie. Talking about HR, I want to put a word in about how good Kay Kay was in the scene with Shipa where his insecurity is pricked. Compare Kay Kay with Lil C in a similar scene in KANK. Once again we are reminded how deficient Lil C’s acting skills are.

Another party pooper was Sharman Joshi. Someone with more star power, and charm was needed in this role. Imagine if i) we had Shahid Kappor in Joshi’s role ; ii) HR (perhaps in a special appearance) in Shiney’s role; and iii) Paresh Rawal as the doc next door. The movie if that had happened would have rocked at the box office. Next time Anurag please take such projects to Adi.

I wish you never be a poor powerless women in India.

Over time there have been many Bollywood stars who have insisted on a private wedding. Most educated Indians are generally understanding about such things. Nonetheless, one cannot eat his cake and have it too. Big B while feigning privacy, apparently hired a zillion PR guys to milk every last drop of mileage out of the Beauty and the Beast wedding. Blinded by what appears to be a “get even” fever, he failed to comprehend that this is a different era, a younger set controls the studio and sets the agenda. His old ways of getting away with atrocities may have been tolerable to the benign older generation, but is not welcome today. With his Machiavellian underhandedness Big B crossed the line of decency, and the film fraternity responded with outrage. Mind you it takes a lot for the industry to lash out at one of its own.

If only the legacy of Ash’s wedding to Lil C, had been the foul stench of political and business rivalry. Unfortunately we are not that lucky. Amongst the blunders that Big B committed was the cardinal sin of beating up journalists. This will haunt India’s image in the international arena for years to come.

As if that was not enough, we also have to deal with the problem of Ms. Janavi. It is very likely that Jahnavi is an opportunist, but then Lil C also is a Bachchalan. In the parlance of the lovely Poo of K3G, both of them belong to the minus category from all perspective. Wise people look at Janavi and rightly recognize the covet for 15 minutes of fame, but where does the wisdom disappear when they fail to see back peddling. Could not the attempt now to paint Janavi as a looser be just a cover-up? Remember how Tina Brown was targeted with poison pens and media experts after she exposed the true state of Princess Di’s marriage. Thanks to the clever cover-up, everyone then thought that Tina was a looser, out to make a quick buck by writing something sensational. Needless to say, today every word of Ms. Brown’s book has been validated. Therefore to not hear Janavi’s case and outright condemn her is very sad. I finally understand the meaning to Javed Sahab’s “Agle Janam Mohe Bitya Na Ki Jo…” Being just a man I was ignorant of the hurdles that society throws in the path of a typical women. It has now become clear to me that if you are a poor powerless woman in India, you are doomed. Janavi may have been a looser, and perhaps that is why she was short listed by Lil C for some slam bam thank you ma’am. LilC knew that no one will ever believe Janavi because she is a poor, powerless woman in India.

I really would like to know

1. Did India make itself proud by withholding compassion for Janavi ? Should not a civil society tolerate nine Janvis so that one innocent woman’s honor is protected.
2. Should it be acceptable in India to beat up journalists under some circumstances?

My friends on this somber day I wish peace be upon you. I wish you never be mistaken for a journalist at the ceremonial “Beating up of Journalist” at a traditional “Bunt” style wedding. Above all, I wish you never be a poor powerless women in India.

USA is changing: Spidy 3 makes USD 183 Mil and there is fight over Salman at street corners.

I was, as a young child, never fascinated by comic books. I remember kids my age fantasizing about Superman, Batman etc. I preferred reading about real people. The ordinary achievement of an ordinary person was more fantastic to me than all the powers of the super heroes. Today with Hollywood churning out comic book adaptation at a regular frequency, I find myself tuned off. I like to see a good story, some good acting not just F/X. Unfortunately the three truths of life today are; i) Every year the computer will become faster and cheaper; ii) Every new generation of diesel engine will be less noisy and more like a gasoline engine; iii) Every new movie will have better F/X than the previous one.

Nonetheless of all the comic book movies, Spiderman I dislike the least. As a matter of fact I will even go as far as saying that I enjoyed the first two episodes. The reason is very simple, Spiderman the movie is more Peter Parker (and Mary Jane) than Spiderman. It is more about a person with extraordinary powers than about spinning a story around a series of F/X exhibition. What ever F/X that does exist is purely to enhance the story telling. Needless to say every new Spiderman movie has better F/X than the previous one. But with Spidy 3 I think we are now finally seeing the beginning of the end. There are too many villains. The story is getting thin, almost silly and there is way too much crying. At this rate it should be called Spiderwomen rather than Spiderman. I much rather see Rocky Balboa trying to be The Man, even as a senior citizen. I cannot believe that Spidy 3 has made USD 183000K in its first seven days in USA.

My friend Spidy 3 making insane money is a sign that USA is changing. I doubt if this trash would have been this successful some years ago. Everywhere I turn I see signs of this constant change. Years ago there were so few Desis in USA. Today, Desis are everywhere. In fact I ran into one Desi Guy and a Desi Gal fighting just a few blocks from my residence. Apparently the Gal wanted a traditional “Bunt” style wedding with a Kanjivarrum Sari, the beating up of journalist, and the whole 9 nine yards to which the Guy, without even blinking an eye, responded by accusing the Gal of kissing HR. The fight between those two got very nasty. After some screaming and yelling the Gal finally got to her senses and tried to make up by saying that she was sorry and that did not care that much about the traditional wedding and would be equally happy having a designer wedding. She told the Guy that he too should wear whatever pleases him and she would be just as happy if he arrived to the wedding with no shirt on. To my utter shock, hearing her preference for no shirt on him made him even more mad. There was a new round of accusations. Boy oh Boy, once there were so few Desis in USA and today there is fight over Salman at street corners.

A little something about the son of The Nawab of Pataudi

Last weekend I saw “Ta Ra Rum Pum”. I do not think it will appeal to the three humans, S.S. Sunderam of Bihar, and the goat that live in Jhumritalaya. It is essentially a metro centric movie which might also appeal to NRIs.

You can definitely see that Sidharth Anand as a director is a notch or two behind Kunal Kohli (while Kunal Kohli is a notch behind Nikhil Advani). Nonetheless the thing that does stand out in Ta Ra Rum Pum is Saif Ali Khan. He is excellent, a sheer joy to watch. This late bloomer springs a new surprise (a pleasant surprise) with every new movie of his. The scene that I would want you to focus (should you choose to see this movie) is the one where in his hour of need, when he is given a mere $300, he tells off his former boss. Watch this scene and see Saif’s intensity and the unqualified honestly with which he brings forth the right expressions & emotions. Now compare that with Lil C’s performance is a similar type of scene in Guru where he tell off the trader at the market. When you watch Saif you see a seasoned actor in total command of the scene. On the other hand, when you watch Lil C you feel sorry for him because even the no name actor, who plays the trader, manages to take over the scene from Lil C. Saif, in the scene I am talking about, comes off as an actor’s actor, while Lil C in similar type of scene in Guru appears like a lame kid trying to pretend that he also belongs in the big leagues. I just don’t know what is up with Lil C and the air pockets behind his cheeks that he blows up before making his dialogue delivery, seriously what’s up with that, is it just nervous energy ?

As a matter of fact, while we are on this track let us compare Lil C’s Lallan (Yuva) to Saif’s Langda Tyagi (Omkara). Saif in Omkara is perfection personified while Lil C in Yuva is trying to get away with a wink and a nod (see the Tamil version of Yuva with Maddy in that role and see how it should have been done).

It took about 5 years and 15 flops for Lil C to come up with a somewhat decent performance (ofcourse his nutty father went gaga over that) in Yuva. It took about 7 years and 30 plus movies before Guru happened. At this rate, in about the year 2075 Lil C will become a super star.

Anyway, Saif in Ta Ra Rum Pum shows us who really the prince of Bollywood is. Needless to say, The King is …. (now repeat after me) Shah Rukh Khan.

Some years from now ……..

I have always been asked where I see SRK (or Priyanka Chopra etc) some years from now. I personally feel that they will all have a legacy that they deserve. No hard work ever goes to waste and hence SRK will be known for the fact that he came out of nowhere, i.e. without any references, and made it to the top of Bollywood, i.e. became the best ever star actor that Bollywood has produced, on his own merit.

All this made me think what will be on the tomb stone of some of Bollywood’s other famous personalities. Here are my thoughts.

Big B

Here lies a Vegan who liked eating Persian Cats (I am being kind, while it is true I don’t know whether he liked Persian cats, we all know that he liked Parveen’s Pussycat. You know what I mean, help me here in my desire to keep this PG 13 ).

Here lies the creep who beat up journalists.

Salman

Got milk, but did not buy the krazy cow.

Amir

Faster than a lame horse, but way slower than the Jungli Billa.

HR

Papa Kehte Hai Bada Naam Karenga.

Lil C

Very punctual, was born exactly 9 months after Jaya’s bizniz meeting with Gulshan Groover.

Doodhwala Bhaiya (With acting roles difficult to come by, finally went into ancestral business. No wonder bought the crazy cow).

Ash

Big B beat journalists to get her home before sunset, in later years he beat on Salman’s door to get her home before sunrise.

Saif

Late bloomer.

Fardeen

I too am talented, I just wish my biological father was Gulshan Groover.

Vivek

Saved by the bell, liked milk so much that he was seriously considering to buy the crazy cow.

Kjo

Here lies a Genius

Adi

Bollywood Ka RAJA

Farah

Shorab Modi Ki Chatti Aulaad

Farhan

Thank God he did not have to write English songs in Bollywood movies

Dilip Kumar

Gentleman, Gentleman, Gentleman……. Main Hoon Babu Gentleman