No one can seriously say that ….

• After the success of  SDM and a role in 24,  no one can seriously say that Anil Kapoor’s career  is over
• After working under SLB in Saboreriya (think “Jab Se Mere Naina” ), no one can seriously say that Ranbir Kapoor is still a virgin.
• After the super success of RNBDJ, no one can seriously say that that 2008 was a bad year for YRF
• After acquiring a double chin and a triple gut, no one can seriously say that trASH and Lil C are not meant for each other.
• After Tasveer & CCTC, no one can seriously say that Akshay is still anywhere near the top
• After  Woody Allen signed her for his next movie,  no one can seriously say that Freida Pinto is not the most happening  young Bollywood actress in Hollywood
• After the bitch slapping he got from i) SRK in Mohabbatein; ii) DK in Shakti; iii) Ayesha Kapoor & Rani in Black; iv) Manoj Bajpai in Aks etc (list is long), no one can serious say that  Big B is a great actor.
• After the expected flopping of Kati Patang & SLB’s next, no one will be able to seriously say that Lumbi Thoodi Natkhat Naak does not need Papa Roshan
• After using SRK in the promotion of Ghajini, no one can seriously say that Amir Obama can deliver a Block Buster on his own merits
• After the release and super success of MNIK, no one will be able to seriously say that K Jo is not IT

Kamaal R Khan wants SRK for “Mahdi, the ultimate superhero”.

Unless you have moved to Mars, you probably know by now that  Kamaal R Khan has approached  SRK for his  mega budget superhero movie called “Mahdi, the ultimate superhero”.  To set the records straight we called SRK ‘s  office to confirm.  SRK’s  manager  informed us that indeed SRK has received the script from Kamaal R  Khan, but due to his injury and busy schedule, SRK has yet to read it.

On further investigation we were able to ascertain that Kamaal R Khan had also approached Amir Obama,  Hritikh Roshan,  Askhay Kumar and a few other  for the same role.  One of them  was so visibly upset by Kamaal R Khan’s double timing that he gave us a few pages  from the script that he had received. Hence Ladies and Gentlemen, my fellow members, I am proud to present to you the leaked portions from Kamaal R Khan’s “Mahdi, the ultimate superhero”.

In the capital of a Middle Eastern kingdom, it is “Arabian Idol” night.  The leaders and rain makers of the Arabian world have come together this night at the new Halliburtan Center on the equally new Simon Wiesenthal  Boulevard. The contest is about to begin.

The first contestant is George Bush, he comes on the stage like some royal primadonna , and sings in his now infamous Texan twang,

“Yaar dildaar tooje kaisa chaheeye, deen chaheeye, ke dunya chaheeye”

While George Bush struts like a peacock on the stage, Ronald Reagan turns in his grave, his vision for the Republicans blurred in the hands of compromised leadership.

Prince Baladi Bankasi stands up, blows  a kiss to Bush and shouts out loud, “We want you Booosh, we want you my Habibi”. Everyone nods, one even asks, “Is  Boooosh joking ? Does he seriously think that there will be any takers for Deen in the Middle East? Religion my friend has long vanished from this region, now it is all Politics “

Ahmedinejad, comes up next, he sings,

“Yeh duniya, yeh mehfil, tere kaam ki nahin, tere kaam ki nahin”

People start booing and throwing rotten tomatoes,  sadly he is not even allowed to complete the song, guards rush in to throw him out. Some people wonder how he got into the contest, while  a few in the audience also wondered why free speech does not apply to all ? Why is it that even jokes and parodies when they  mock us is OK , but in return we cannot even speak our minds or talk to each other?

NYC Times’ reporter in the audience twitters, “Ahmeddinejad has just threatened to blow up the world”.

Tony Blair is hurriedly pushed in to calm the audience down . He comes dressed like Ranbir Kapoor in Saboreiya, wearing just a towel.  To the steps of “Jeb Se Tere Naina” he sings,

“Aaadmi hoon aadmi se pyar karta hoon”

While dancing, Mr Blair allows the towel to slip a little (once in a while) so as to reveal his newly acquired Brazilian. With pouted lips and targeted winks Tony makes it abundantly clear that he is willing to allow a select few in the audience to have their way with him, as long as Britain the nation can have its way with Middle East.  A Sheikh from Q8 seeing Tony’s towel dance, SMSes to his architect to start work on Palace # 2009.

Slowly walking away from the audience with exaggerated swinging hips , Tony then breaks out into,

“Phoolon ke rang se, dil kee kalam se, tuz ko likhee roj baatein
kaise bataaoo kis kis tarah se, pal pal muze too satataa

tere hee sapane lekar ke soyaa, tere hee yaadon mein jaagaa
tere khayaalon mein ulzaa rahaa yoo jaise ke maalaa mein dhaagaa

baadal bijalee chandan paanee, jaisaa apanaa pyaar
lenaa hongaa janam humei kaee kaee baar
itanaa madeer, itanaa madhoor teraa meraa pyaar
lenaa hogaa janam humei kaee kaee baar”

The crowd now goes crazy. They start whistling & ululating. A few extra virile men in the audience start making a mental list of names that they could potentially give to their child from Tony. Ahmeddinejad is all but forgotten. Little does this audience know or care that this is exactly how Rome too was built on gold stolen from Egypt. This audience is just mesmerized by Tony’s grooming choice.

Benjamin Netanyahu sensing an opportunity comes in next. Obama’s recent coldness towards Israel is weighing him down.  Hoping to win over some new support he sings,

“Koi humdum na raha, koi sahara na raha, hum kissike na rahe, koi humara na raha “

Netanyahu lets a few crocodile tears trickle out of his eyes while emphasizing, “Koi sahara na raha”. Seeing Netanyahu cry, the audience starts sobbing.  Saudis get up and pledge that come next summer they will back Netanyahu’s brutal adventure in Lebanon. Egyptians double that by promising to support  Gazan genocide.

The lights fade out gently. When the curtain goes up again, to everyone’s horror, OBL is at the center stage, dressed like  Darth Vader, he looks like a Hollywood prop. He sings,

“Hum arbi pathan ki baat mut poochoji, jo pyar kiya, toh pyar kiya, Jo nafrat ki, toh bomb maar diya.”

Fear grips the audience. There is a pin drop silence,  the powerful suddenly look impotent. As usual the world looks to George Bush, who stands up and orders to shoot, “Kill him”, he says, “don’t worry about collateral damage”.

Just as mysteriously as he had appeared center stage a short while ago, OBL mysteriously disappears.  Not a single bullet touches OBL, but as usual, quite a few thousand innocent humans die that night. It is sad how  this bearded monster, and his goons, appear whenever there is a need to justify the killing of decent people or tarnish the institute of religion. OBL is there whenever the powers to be need to take over lands (e.g. Iraq). He is there whenever chaos has to be injected into a country (e.g. Pakistan) to destabilize it.We need to ask ourselves who does OBL actually works for. He certainly has done humanity no favors. From Indonesia  to North Africa to beyond, every home has paid a price for OBL’s deed.

One young child who lost his parents that night at the “Arabian Idol”, sets off on foot, like Ibn Batuta did centuries ago, on a “Journey to Mecca”.  Through treacherous terrain and harsh weather he belabors on to Mecca to ask God what was his crime that he took away his parents. With a heavy heart, tears in his eyes, weak legs but a strong resolve, he marches on to Mecca. On the very first sight of the Holy Kaaba, all sadness and misgivings dissapears,  tranquility overcomes him, he surrenders to the will of Allah. Prostrate on the ground,  he prays  for peace, for all people, all races, all over the world. He begs to God to send a superhero to free the world from oppression & injustice.  To restore free trade & free speech, and reduce the tax burden.  To free all occupied lands.

Allah(swt) in his infinite wisdom accepts his prayers, and sends down the Mahdi (the ultimate superhero).

Armed with the few pages from the script we headed to Kamaal R Khan’s office.  Kamaal denies ever sending the script to anyone except SRK.

“Something has gone wrong here. There has to be some mistake. Why would I send my script to Dwarf Khan, when I need King Khan and only King Khan.”, he asks.

Kamaal R Khan clarifies, “My script requires The Mahdi to descend from heaven onto the Grand Mosque in Damascus Syria. I need special effects, and  only Red Chillies has the capabilities to make this happen. This is why I need SRK”.

Kamaal further adds, “The movie has kick arse violence because the Madhi fights the oppressors (occupiers),  the arrogant (today’s sold out leaders) and the ignorant (OBL type fake religious leaders).  On top of that the movie is slightly preachy, because the Mahdi shows where we have gone wrong.  The movie has no songs, and like CDI does not have a conventional heroine. Only SRK can pull this off. Amir Obama will fall way short, no pun intended. ”

We ask Kamaal R Khan if he thinks SRK would accept his offer, he replies, “One way or the other, Allah will send me my Mahdi. You wait and see, this world needs an honorable superhero”.

So my friends, fellow members, let us wait and watch. Let us wait for “Mahdi, the ultimate superhero”.

Infinitely talented Rakeysh O Mehra multiplied by Lil C equals to zero

It is another Friday, and we have “as expected”, another flop from the Bachchan Parivaar. Mathematically anything multiplied by zero is zero. Lil C, the “Kala Bandar”, is that zero in Bollywood, unfortunately he negates ROM’s efforts & Sonam Kapoor’s lovely presence, and turns Dilli Ka 6 into a forgettable experience. The film has no story or a central arch which one can follow. Even the songs in the movie seem wasted. I recommend that you download these songs and enjoy them independent of the movie.

The movie had the potential of being better than RDB, but it squanders its opportunity. For all his undeniable talent, I do not think that Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra has the ability to see the whole forest because he is so focused on the leaves. The details, independent of the whole movie, are brilliant even in Dilli Ka 6, unfortunately they do not come together in a satisfying or even a coherent manner. In this regard, Amir “Obama” Khan is missed, who is the single actor/filmmaker in Bollywood who could have stitched up this mess and made it into a “complete” movie capable of grabbing the audience by their collar. Simplifying a complex narrative into a palatable but interesting spoonful is Amir Obama’s forte. I think a ROM/Amir combo would have better organized the Raamleela/Kala Bander within the narrative, they would have made the movie into a qualified contender.

In its present format, the pitch of Dilli Ka 6 is aimed at the NRIs. I do not think those that live within the system can critique or even evaluate it objectively; personal experience is bound to interfere. Alas this opportunity is also wasted thanks to DK6’s zero hero, Lil C. Note how Lil C is incapable of breaking loose of the ensemble around him in the manner that Amir Obama did in a similar situation in RDB. Very few movies can recover from its lead hero’s inability to rise up and shine. In Dilli Ka K6, from Om Puri to Pawan Malhotra to Vijay Raaz to Sonam Kapoor, everyone and everybody outperforms Lil C. Throughout his career, Lil C has shown no ability to go toe to toe with any decent actor. Almost anyone can pull the rug from under his feet. DK6 suffers on account of Lil C poor acting talent. An ensemble movie can ill afford a weak link like Lil C. Nonetheless what kills Dilli Ka 6 is Lil C bad accent; perhaps he grew up in Queens, NY in a Desi Ghetto along with the transient computer jocks.

I never believed that I would live to say that I liked Swades. I liked SRK in that movie. I liked quite a few things about Swades, but AG and his preachy tone turned me off. It could have been a super hit, but for the peachiness and its stalker heroine. Fortunately it earned enough to qualify for an above average status at the BO. BUT, after watching Dilli Ka 6, I think I appreciate Swades a lot more. Dilli Ka 6 makes Swades seem like an all time classic.

The future of Dilli Ka 6 (like the future of the Kala Bandar, Lil C) at the box office is bleak. Nonetheless, let us reveal to you some other expected developments. Henceforward ROM will not be considered a “cutting edge” director anymore by the Bachchnistas . Likewise post “Ravan” Mani Ratnam will also be the poster child of ridicule. ONLY those directors that are willing to take the risk and work with Lil C and or Amitabh Doodhwala are considered “premium grade” directors by the Bachchanistas. Post Dlli Ka 6 and Ravan, director Balki will be praised, and genuine oracles of talent like K Jo and Adi will be as usual denounced because they REFUSE to work with Lil C.

One would think after yet another flop, Lil C would quit, but don’t get your hopes too high. Lil C’s father, the Big B has not given a solo hero hit since the early 80s. No solo hero hit in approx 25 years. If the father is comfortable eroding his Ms. Indira Gandhi gifted legacy, do you think the son would be any less comfortable dishing out flops ? Shame is not something that the Bachchan Parivaar or the Bachchanistas possess. Hence the question is not whether Lil C will quit, but when will trASH dump Lil C and return to Salman Khan?

Now that we have buried Dilli Ka 6, let us move on, mourning for more than three days is not good anyways. 2009 is ahead of us, the best is yet to come. My Name is Khan and 3 Idiots is still awaiting us. MNIK will definitely please you.

Big B makes one last ditch effort to piss on Slumdog Millionaire’s parade

With Lil C by his side, Big B tried to distract the Slumdog Millionaire enthusiast by saying, “Slum Dog is nothing, forget Slum Dog, Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you Juhu Bitch”

Slumdog Millionaire, a feel good movie that exposes the under belly of India & Big B.

An artist in absence of creative energy is like a lame horse, a spent force; Just like creativity in absence of passion is just a waste of time. Seeing Anil Kapoor fully clothed in his passion at the Golden Globe Awards last night was a sight to behold, an artist alive and kicking. It is sad that Bollywood and India have come so far but not far enough to get an award or even a nomination for Anil Kapoor and his performance in “Slumdog Millionaire”

I admire how effortlessly Anil Kapoor, playing a character loosely based on Big B, was able to channel the intrinsic nastiness & evil within Big B and project it on the screen. Hats off to Anil Kapoor for his courage and also his performance. I agree with SRK that no one could have done this better. Perhaps SRK could have, but he did not want to be the bearer of bad news. Just putting Big B in place via the hip and cool Don was an act that most Bachchanistas cannot forgive him for. Imagine if he had ripped Big B a new one with the SDM role.

Credit has to be given to Vikas Swarup and Danny Boyle for doing their research. They don’t shy away from calling a spade a spade. They accurately portray that Big B is so surrounded with muck (scandals & dirty tricks) that one has to be willing to dive into “shit” in order to embrace Big B. I admire how Danny was able to say so beautifully, and so diplomatically, what I have been saying for years.

Overall a wonderful feel good movie that exposes the under belly of India, Bombay and Big B. Slumdog Millionare makes you believe in destiny. To all those who want to see a slice of India, this is the movie. It was great to see it receive so many awards. The movie, A.R. Rehman, and yes SRK, made India proud at the Golden Globe this year. SRK who introduced Slumdog at the Golden Globe, had the difficult role of being statesman like, humorous, charming, articulate & cool, all in a couple of minutes. Needless to say he nailed it. It makes you wonder if there is anything that SRK cannot do.

Hopefully the Globe awards are a harbinger of how things will play out at the Oscars.

Ghajini proves that for a genuine block buster hit you need SRK

There is no doubt that, inspite of so many flaws, Ghajini is a block buster hit. The box office response to Ghajini has been historical. Hats off to Ghajini. Amir Obama proves once again that he is an star actor almost in SRK’s league. Ghajini’s success is unique in many ways, for one, regardless of its flaws, we cannot lump the success of Ghajini along with Akshay’s (or Big B’s or Govinda’s) mindless comedies. While Askhay, or Govinda, or Big B in the two years of his Bollywood rein, made hay while the sun was shinning (basically the sun did all the work), Ghajini came at a time when the sun was unfavorable to action movies and yet it succeeded. Hence Ghajini is far better than all those crappy hits of Akshay or Govinda or Big B.

Nonetheless, let us analyze this a little. The success of Ghajini proves a few things.

1. Amir Obama is not the yard stick by which Bollywood measures quality. If Amir had been the measure of quality, than the critics would have penalized him for the obvious and numerous flaws in Ghajini. But, as we have seen, the critics overlooked all the flaws in Ghajini, which only means that they do not “really” expect ONLY quality from Amir Obama. One can argue that perhaps the genre of Ghajini allows cinematic liberty, but this argument falls short because critics have never taken into account cinematic liberties when evaluating SRK movies. Therefore in consideration of the fact that “What is good for the goose is good for the gander”, we have to accept that while quality is expected out of SRK and hence he is held upto that lofty standard, it is not equally expected out of Amir. Ghajini’s success destroys the Bachchanista perpetuated myth that Amir represents quality.

2. Amir is perhaps one of the most intelligent film maker is Bollywood. He like Raj Kapoor, is a better film maker than an actor (not that I am saying he is a bad actor). When faced with an hurdle called SRK, Amir invented a new paradigm, “less is more”. Perhaps, Amir was hoping that somewhere along the line SRK would fumble, and give him the opportunity to grab the ball and score a goal. Unfortunately for Amir, SRK is like the legendary horse Seabiscuit, SRK runs faster when he hears approaching footsteps. Amir’s “less is more” strategy just took him beyond the lame dilapidated horses like the Bachchans, but still left him trailing Seabiscuit. It was hence time for the intelligent Amir Obama to abandon the “less is more” strategy and adopt a new one. He figured, “if you cannot beat them, join them”. For a genuine respectable block buster (not the Akshay or Govinda or Big B kind), Amir realized that he needed SRK. Hence, the very gifted Amir decided to ride SRK’s coattails. Ghajini was therefore released along with SRK’s RNBDJ. The PR campaign of Ghajini was planned using SRK & RNBDJ as a platform. Paid journalist were placed amongst the crowd at Ghajini events to insert SRK into the discussion. Amir talked about SRK almost as if SRK was a part and parcel of Ghajini. At some events he talked less about Ghajini and more about SRK. The results of this new strategy is there for all to see. Ghajini’s success is therefore less of Amir’s success and more or SRK’s success. Mind you, it was SRK and RNBDJ which brought back the audience to the theaters after 26/11. The year 2008 has therefore proven that one needs SRK for a genuine block buster hit. If you cannot have SRK in your movies, atleast like Amir Obama and Vivek Vaswani, build him into your PR campaign.

Ghajini, a blend of sambhar & rubdi with chunks of boogers.

Ever since I promised a few friend that I will recite a few lines from Haribhari Chatpati’s last but incomplete poem, they have been pestering me with emails on a daily basis. So here goes nothing. The few lines that I am about to recite is not as popular as the same poet’s “Rail Gaadi”, infact most people don’t even know of the existence of this poem. Try to sing it with the same enthusiasm as Ashok Bimar did “Rail Gaadi”.

Maamu Ke Mummeh Dus Kilo Ke Hai
Maamu Ke Mummeh Bees Kilo Ke Hai
Maamu Ke Mummeh Keetne Kilo Ke Hai
Bolo Re Bolo Maamu Ke Mummeh Keetne Kilo Ke Hai

The above few lines form a trick question, don’t even try answering it because Maamu’s left Mummah (the one that points towards south west) is smaller than Maamu’s right Mummah (the one that points towards south east). But, be warned,

Hai Goozarish Ke Aaap Na Jaao Pass Pass
Because Maamu Ke Mummeh Hai Fail Fail

Yes you heard it here first. The movie is a cluster bomb. Allow me to put it this way, take one cup of spicy sambhar and pour it like the illustrious British chef Shaan Khan of the Rajput (a different Shaan Khan not me), into a large bowl. Add to that bowl, four large table spoons of sweet Punjabi Rubdi. Now insert you index finger in your nostril and pull out a few boogers. Add the boogers to the bowl, and stir it with the same index finger that you had inserted in your nostrils. After stiring for few minutes, taste the blend. If you like it, you will like Ghajini, the braless Rajni.

As far as I am concerned, I have begun to like sambhar (ever since I found the secret to making an awesome sambhar) by itself or with Iddly. I also like Rubdi, although my trainer forbids me to eat it. But I cannot tolerate them blended together. Furthermore I am not into boogers. Unfortunately Ghajini has too many boogers. Hence those that are adventurous enough to try this bizarre blend of sambhar and rubdi, please watch out for the boogers. I say, it is best to stay away. Maamu Ke Mummeh is flop flop.

RNBDJ, Who is the king now ?

Just when the news of RNBDJ’s block buster week was tricking through, Newsweek announced that SRK is amongst the 50 top most powerful men IN THE WORLD. SRK fans have gone into a celebration mode while Bachchanistas (some masquerading these days as Akshay and or Amir fans just like they were once posing as Ajay “Pan Stain” Devgan and Sunny Deol fans) have gone into depression. Needless to say we feel sad for the Bachchanistas. Using Bubba Clinton’s words, “ I feel their pain”. I want the Bachchanistas to know that I am there for them in their hour of need. Should they need a shoulder to cry over, I am there. Should they need someone to listen to them babble, I am there.

To S S Sunderum, in particular, I want to reach out and say that this does not mean the end of the world. There will be a new dawn tomorrow, the sun will rise again. Please continue posting your lengthy illogical dribble. Your selective and unfair condemnation of SRK has unified and energized the SRK fan base. S S Sunderum, you my demented homie, are the wind below the wings of SRK fans. Without your hate filled post, SRK could have never done it. In the absence of your post I would not have taken the time or the trouble to write on behalf of truth & justice. Please do not stop, because most SRK fans would like to see SRK become the PM of India some day, and you my bitter looser, have the power in your poisonous pen to make this dream come true.

Ladies & Gentlemen, my friends, SRK is like that legendary horse, “Seabiscuit”. He runs faster when he hears approaching footstep. On any given day, SRK is a winner but when faced with competition, he becomes invincible, he becomes infinity. For instance, consider RNBDJ . Two of the best things about RNBDJ (we cannot state all the good things about RNBDJ because the list is too long) are, i) Adi abandoned his comfort zone and made an against the grain risky movie and ii) In keeping with the demands of the story that Adi wanted to tell, he intentionally kept the budget low (RNBDJ is relatively a low budget movie with little or no promotion either). These two factors (amongst so many factors) have made RNBDJ an iconic movie that people would be talking about for years to come. Success notwithstanding, many people still cannot get over the fact that Adi took the risk of making a low budget movie. People invariably ask, where did the courage come from ? The answer is very simple. The answer is that the courage stems from SRK. SRK is infinity and almost anything multiplied by infinity becomes infinity. The low budget of RNBDJ when it is associated with SRK becomes priceless. This is why Producers want SRK at any cost. Compare that with Lil C. Daraaouna had a huge budget, but when combined with a zero like Lil C, the whole movie became worthless and that is why Lil C as a lead anchor actor, has no future in Bollywood.

Bollywood today is in a transition. It is becoming more fragmentized like good old Hollywood. The era of one sole King is over. In time to come we will see an establishment of a multi polar structure, one king for each segment of the market. Nonetheless, SRK remains the solo king for the moment, the last of the Mohicans. Recent events have made this fact abundantly clear. Hence for the time being the wanna bees of Bollywood should take consolation in the fact that they had the privilege of also running. Akshay, Amir & Co should learn to wear their loss to SRK as a badge of honor. Those that attempt to topple SRK will like S S Sunderum only increase SRK’s longevity. Akshay and Amir should take note of the disastrous consequence of a similar attempt by Big B. To begin with, Big B made a run at SRK when everything around him was falling apart. It was a kamikaze attempt to revive a dead career. It was Big B’s attack on Pearl Harbor. Forget “not having a pot to piss in”, Big B when he tried butting head with the great Khan did not have “a dick to piss with”. Years of poor script selection and failures had already castrigated Big B . Hence, Akshay and Amir do injustice to themselves when they attempt to do a Big B. Both of these guys have a lot working for them and need not be as desperate as Big B. Unfortunately, it might take the failure of Ghajini, the braless Rajni (aka MKM) for Amir Obama to learn that you don’t mess with SRK and win. Perhaps someone should just send a copy of the latest Newsweek to Amir Obama. SRK is the king of Bollywood and will remain the king till he willingly abandons the throne.

RNBDJ results are out: SRK/Adi 3; Rest of the World 0

Once again SRK has won, but this one is for the record books. Previously, SRK had batted against biased critics (e.g. CDI & Don), head on competition (Mohabbatein, Don, and OSO), and demented Bachchanistas (e.g. all SRK movies) and scored a home run. Nonetheless this time, SRK went out to bat against a worldwide recession, terror attacks, deserted theaters, biased critics, demented Bcahchanistas (flavor of the day is Amir Obama) and yet managed to hit one outside the ball park. This is no ordinary victory. Personal victory notwithstanding, SRK has also saved Bollywood. Along with smiles to the movie goers, he has bought smiles to all those who depend upon Bollywood for their daily sustenance. What a victory, what a man. I do not think any other Bollywood actor could have managed to get the crowds back into the theater after the terror attack. Hopefully now that SRK has shown the way, the rest can follow.

This is Adi Chopra’s victory also. Imagine if Peter Lugers, the world’s best steak house, were to start serving a healthy organic salad instead of their infamous porterhouse steak. If that were to happen, people would think that the owners of Peter Lugers have gone bananas. This is precisely what Adi has done with RNBDJ. This three film old director has made it his habit to rewrite the rules of Bollywood. A lesser visionary would have made a larger than life, big budget romance fantasy movie. That is the kind of movie that people expect from Adi / SRK combo. That movie would have opened to an INR 1200 Mil worldwide first weekend revenue. Instead, Adi chose to abandon familiar and safe grounds, he chose to embrace risk by making a small budget movie grounded in everyday mundane reality. RNBDJ’s victory is therefore Adi’s victory.

RNBDJ results are out: SRK/Adi 3; Rest of the World 0. I recommend everyone to rush to see this new age DDLJ. If SRK/Adi defined romance in DDLJ, then in RNBD they have defined love. It is a movie with a very mature and moving story. You will laugh and cry while watching it, but the day after that, you will start thinking. Years from now, after all the hoopla dies down, we will still be talking about RNBDJ and Suri (Surinder Sahni), the lead character, played so well by SRK . Years from now, after all the Bachchanistas are long forgotten, young men unable to express their love, will be still seeking comfort in the song “Haule Haule”

For the Gupt Gyan Adarsh type critics and for the Bachchansitas this is another egg in their face. At Naacho Gaao Aur Jhoot Bolo site, the saner members are registering their protest against the fanatic Bachchanistas by singing the following Manoj Kungla’s song from Bread, Clothes & Housing

Hae Sunderum Sunderum Sunderum
Doohaaee Hai Doohaaee Doohaaee Doohaaee
Tu Kahan Se Aaaee, Tuje Kyon Maut Na Aaaee
Hae Sunderum Sunderum Sunderum

Pehla Moothi Which Paise Lekar, PEHLE MOOTHI WHICH PAISE LEKAR, Sunderum Kuchche Mein Apni Izzat Le Aata Tha
Abh Kuchche Mein Paise Jaate Hai Pur Sunderum Phir Bhi Nunga Lout Aaata Hai

Hae Sunderum Sunderum Sunderum
Doohaaee Hai Doohaaee Doohaaee Doohaaee
Tu Kahan Se Aaaee, Tuje Maatimeeleh Kyon Maut Na Aaaee
Hae Sunderum Sunderum Sunderum

Ek Toh SRK Ki Acting Maargaee.
Doosra Audience Ki Acceptance Maargaee
Teesra RNBDJ Ki Success Maargaee
Baqi Kuch Bacha Toh Bachchanan Ki Failure Maargaee

RNBDJ, I see Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow like genius in SRK’s Raj

On 26/11 there was an attack on Bombay, but on Dec 12, 2008 there was an attack on all mankind. The terrorist who has destroyed the peace of all Desi Men (especially married ones) is none other than Surinder Sahni (Suri). Yes a character from Adi Chopra’s latest movie “Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi (RNBDJ)”. Women after watching RNBDJ are demanding to know why their husbands cannot be more like Suri. Girls are now looking for genuine Suris instead of normal cool guys.

Probably some of the boys that used to get bullied in High School were Suris (Not by me, I am no Bully, a benevolent dictator maybe, but no bully). I am very sure that one of the guys that was on the receiving ends of countless wedgies at my school was a Suri. Personally I never “knew” a Suri in my life, we traveled on different paths. Suris are very quiet, very shy, and as non intrusive as a fly on the wall. A sad & shell shocked Taani (played by newcomer, Anushka Sharma), thanks to a twist in fate, finds herself married to Suri ( an award winning performance by Bollywood’s best ever star actor, SRK), a person that she hardly knows. A person who is grateful that she takes the trouble of making small talk with his office friends. A person whose biggest joy in life is that Taani prepares food every morning that he can take to work.

Any normal guy who finds his wife/girlfriend always moping around, might start thinking of finding a new partner. I am not saying that I would do that, but even I hope that my girl friend lives with the fear of thinking that is plausible. But Suri unlike normal men, changes his hair, his looks, changes everything to bring a smile on Taani’s face. In order to bring happiness to his wife, Suri creates a whole new alter ego, Raj, a cool person as per his definition of cool. Now SRK as Suri is brilliant, but as Raj he transcends brilliance. The two characters are so different that given the fact that Taani hardly knows Suri, and is yet not over from her personal trauma, she fails to recognize them as the same person. I think it is safe to say that SRK as Raj is as brilliant as Johnny Depp was as Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean series. As per the demands of the character, SRK overplays it perfectly. He is loud, irritating and yet very infectious. Cannot think of any actor who could have nailed Raj as well as SRK did.

Credit goes to Adi for keeping everything low key as per the requirements of the movie. Notice that even the painting of Taani that is revealed during the song “Tuj Mein Rab Dikta Hai” is something that could have been done by a local farmer. The Dancing Jodi show also, in keeping with the needs of the movie, is less opulent than similar shows on TV. I give RNBDJ full marks. Although, in all fairness, I have to admit that as much as I like RNBDJ, I liked Adi’s Mohabbatein better. In RNBDJ I missed the arse whooping that SRK gives Big B in Mohabbatein.

See RNBDJ to see how easily SRK switches off Raj for a few seconds (and switches on Suri) when his cheap “I love you” trick fails to create the reaction he was expecting. See RNBDJ to see how effortlessly SRK once again allows Suri to peak through when Taani changes her mind and refuses to elope. Notice the scene when SRK takes a few second to switch on Raj when she visits him at the Garage after the ‘I love you” fiasco.

Above all see RNBDJ to see how Suri even on a full stomach eats the Biryani that his wife cooks for him. See for yourself the consideration with which he knocks at Taani’s door. See for yourself why women are demanding that their husbands/boyfriends be more like Suri. I hope all of this makes you equally mad. A loud and shallow Raj is something that men for years have hidden their flaws behind. It is easy to smell like a rose when compared to Raj. Unfortunately Suri offers no such comfort. Comparison with Suri is fatal to our collective survival. Since Dec 12, fear of being exposed for who we are has terrorized Desi men. Hence, as an American I feel it is my duty to lead this fight against terrorism. I want all men to see RNBDJ and get upset at Suri for putting some wrong ideas in the mind of Desi Women/Girls. Hopefully you will get mad enough to join me and cross over from reality to the screen and beat the crap out of Suri. I would like to beat Suri till he reverts back to Raj/Rahul. Then and only then we can return back to reality and to our comfortable lives and continue being the men we are. Remember, till we beat the crap out of Suri and revert him into Raj/Rahul, women will not leave us alone in peace.

Hence go and see RNBDJ, an amazingly entertaining movie which has sadly imperiled mankind.